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Epping residents unsafe

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'In short, residents of Epping are unsafe,' said legal representative, Hope Porter. 'They are unsafe in that they are a danger to others, each other, and the forest. 


'Locals are responsible for the vast majority of crimes committed here. Visitors to the area and asylum seekers staying nearby must be protected from them. The tense situation cannot continue and residents must be removed for the sake of, well, Epping really.


'There have been threats, violence, and threats of violence. And that's just the media attempting to whip up riots. So the situation cannot in any way be described as a peaceful protest. My greatest fear is that they'll start bussing in professional rioters from Harlow.


'And it goes much further. Epping Council is so unsafe, it should probably be deported, My daughters are going to get raped by forrins,' screamed Gavin Clack, 56, a childless local resident. 'I'm 'ere to protect 'em, 'cause they're gonna be beautiful and very sexy. We're all here to protect Gav's sexy daughters too,' confirmed Clack's former cellmates.




Lilo enthusiast deported under new 'small boat' law


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Selsey lilo enthusiast Dave Hexham has been deported to Rwanda as part of the Government crackdown on small boat asylum seekers.


Mr. Hexham, out for his usual Saturday morning paddle, was approached by members of the Border Protection Force as he tried to land. When quizzed, he was unable to produce any identity documents and was promptly detained for processing under the new legislation.


His wife commented 'Bloody idiot! I always said that his stupid lilo obsession would get him in trouble. Now I suppose I shall have to drive up to Rowehander to pick him up from the Detention Centre - isn't that near Swindon?'


When informed that he was actually in Rwanda, Mrs. Hexham vocalised a small 'whoop' and fist-bumped the air. 'Pillock! Serves him right'


When asked about the incident, a spokesman for the Border Protection Force said 'Alas, the so-called Mr. Hexham, without any means of identification, falls directly into the category of undesirables this legislation was designed to catch, and we had no choice but to act. The fact that he repeatedly called us "jumped-up bellends", "pocket-Hitlers", and "fascist jobsworths" has in no way prejudiced his treatment'


'Now, if you can excuse me, I am off to "console" a Mrs. Hexham whose husband has apparently "gone missing" '



First published 6 Mar 2023



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Asylum-seekers urged to keep backstories simple


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Hollywood screenwriters have pinpointed the problem with most of the people seeking asylum in the UK: their backstories are too complex for an audience raised on Eastenders.


'The Ukrainians have nailed it' said Chad, a script editor from California. 'A well-drawn if somewhat obvious villain, a humble-yet-plucky hero leading a ragtag band of underdogs against a mighty army. They should have made Zelensky single so he could fall in love with a librarian who has to become a freedom fighter – or a nurse? - but apart from that it’s a perfect script'.


Syrians have come under criticism for having a ‘complex and muddled’ backstory.


'Who’s the baddy? Who’s the goody? What’s the branding? These people have no idea how to launch a franchise. Their best chance is to do a kind of ‘Putin Origins’ storyline' said Chad. 'We could show him developing his weapons and tactics in Damascus – ooh, I know, we could show him actually on the road to Damascus! That would play great in the US of A, do you have the Bible here? Give Putin his own theme, similar to Darth Vader’s Imperial March, and make those Wagner guys dress like stormtroopers, pretty soon the Syrians would be getting housing and a welcome as well'.


Suella Braverman was asked for a statement, but she was busy designing a laser cannon for the white cliffs of Dover and posing for next week’s Daily Mail front page.



First published 29 Nov 2022



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