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Tories accused of dithering over Boris


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Conservative MPs have belatedly embraced the concept of social distancing, but only as far as the Prime Minister is concerned. 'I don't want to catch what he has,' pointed out one Conservative MP, 'I've a narrow majority to retain in two years' time.'


Many MPs want to see the back of Boris Johnson but are afraid of getting too close to sticking the knife in. 'You don't know where he's been,' suggested one MP. Another wore a mask, but only in the hope of not being recognised. 'As soon as we can get back to doing what we want with impunity, the better,' he said.



First published 21 Dec 2021



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Prince William denies being nepo baby

Prince William has given an interview to Hello! magazine in which he denies that being the son of King Charles played any part in his achieving his current position.


”Yeah, OK, so the King’s my dad,” said the disgruntled royal slaphead. “Which is more than certain ginger tosspots can say, but let’s not get into all that.


”But I do wish people wouldn’t just focus on that, as if I just waltzed into the job of heir to the throne without having to make an effort. If anything, I have to work twice as hard as everyone else, just to prove myself.


”I even tried going by a different name, William Wales when my dad’s name’s Windsor, so people wouldn’t realise. That’s how determined I was to make it on my own merit. It’s not my fault if people looked at photos of me, which have been constantly in the press since the day I was born, and realised who I was.”


One of the prince’s aides then concluded the interview, as it was time for his valet to shave and redress him for an evening engagement.


”Not idea what it is. Some sort of banquet, probly - they’ll tell me on the way. Hope it’s not more of those ‘commonwealth’ johnnies - I always think of the impressions grandpapa used to do of them, and it’s so hard not to laugh.”


image form pixabay

Lisa Stansfield finally takes the hint

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Singer Lisa Stansfield has announced that she is abandoning her 34-year global quest to find her baby. This has taken her all around the world many times over, as it apparently did not occur to her that he might have been living quietly in Rochdale the whole time.


‘Been around the world and I, I, I, I couldn't find my baby,’ said the tearful Lancastrian songbird, who now admits that she did too much lying and wasted too much time when she could have been shagging herself stupid with countless other willing men. ‘We had a quarrel and I let myself go – well I am 57 now, you know - I said so many things, things he didn't know, like how much his farting in bed irritated me. I didn't think he was coming back, coming back, and I was right, he didn’t.’


Stansfield’s former baby, who asked not to be named, told reporters: ‘I’ve been happily married to someone else since 1995 . Restraining orders weren’t a thing in 1989, unfortunately. I’m just glad she didn’t think to look in a two-mile radius of her own home while she was going all around the world stalking me. You may as well go looking for Nigel Farage in Clacton. Daft bint.’




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