National Trust to acquire Kray twins' childhood home

Traditionalists are up in arms as the National Trust negotiates to acquire the house in East London where the Kray twins grew up.

‘The National Trust is supposed to take on stately homes when the landed gentry fall on hard times,’ spluttered an ageing military type. ‘The family continues to live in one wing, and the garden gets opened to the hoi polloi.  And the Trust opens a café and a shop and makes a fortune from selling overpriced baked potatoes and plants that might be from the gardens, but actually came from a wholesaler in Wigan.

‘The National Trust shouldn’t be celebrating the criminal underworld and the black economy and the lower classes. It’s political correctness gone mad.’

A spokesman for the Trust defended the decision.  He said, ‘Some very big blokes turned up at the meeting, and they explained in considerable detail what might accidentally happen if we didn’t make a generous offer for the house.  All those present agreed that the cultural significance and historical perspectives were absolutely aligned with the Trust's values, and that we were keen to buy, even at the slightly challenging price that we were quoted.  And, in addition, everyone was quite keen to keep all their fingers.'

If the acquisition by the National Trust goes through, displays in the house will include a timeline of the Kray twins' illustrious careers, with signposting to organisations offering support with mental health issues.  Victims of the Krays will be recruited as stewards to give an authentic visitor experience. There will be a small exhibition of the Kray twins' little known collection of Japanese sashiko embroidery and some of their weaponry.  A Trust spokesman said that, in keeping with the theme, admission charges to the house will be ‘criminal’.

The attraction will be marketed with an affectionate take-off of the Bob Hoskins gangster film ‘The Long Good Friday’, provisionally titled ‘The Long Bank Holiday Monday’.

image from Google Gemini

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Bank holiday outings on the cheap

A family outing isn't cheap these days and keeping the kids amused during the school holidays is difficult. But there are things that you can do that won't break the bank.

Our top recommendation is to join a protest. There are plenty of disgruntled people out there so there are plenty of protests to choose from. You can usually join in for free, although you will need a budget for making placards. Take packed lunches to keep costs down.

Chanting outside hotels is pretty dull, but you could consider turning up with placards complaining about cold breakfasts, inadequate cleaning and uncomfortable beds. That should confuse the tattooed masses who are complaining about asylum seekers.

It's traditional on bank holidays to complain about traffic. Why not join a drivers' go slow on the M5, M1 or M4? To be fair, this won't be a top choice for your kids.

Why not start a protest outside a festival about the price of tickets? Maybe a famous band will take pity on you and pay for you to go in? If you can't get in, you will probably still hear most of the headline acts anyway. Let your kids choose the festival so that they can hear their favourite bands.

Student protests are a bust during summer as university campuses are empty. Save your ideas about protesting free speech or wokery or poor student support until the new term.

If you're in the country you should be able to join a protests about inheritance tax or electricity pylons or solar farms. It's always fun to watch farmers spraying council buildings with slurry, but remember to stand back. Maybe stay away from protests about too many Airbnb properties destroying rural life. Hunt saboteurs aren't so lively these days, but you might be able to join in with badger protection or burning down second homes.

Finally, we suggest avoiding anti-capitalist and extinction rebellion protests. And steer clear of Palestiny stuff too. No-one wants to wake up in a cell on Bank Holiday Tuesday.

Image: analogicus - Pixabay

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Drought hit areas to receive extra Bank Holiday

Areas around the UK that have been hit by exceptional drought conditions are to receive an extra Bank Holiday in an effort to boost rainfall and top up reservoirs and aquifers, confirmed the Environment Agency.

Some parts of Wales and the South of England have recorded the lowest average rainfall since records began, and only ever get torrential rain on days that fall within a Bank Holiday weekend.

An EA representative said, 'The UK has had the driest winter and spring on record, and this is directly linked to an absence of Bank Holidays. Providing hard-working families with an extra Bank Holidays is the only way to guarantee the UK will get a thorough soaking. That and the school summer holidays, of course.'

'We think rain clouds and high winds can somehow detect the onset of a Bank Holiday weekend and have evolved to store millions of litres of rainwater in specially created cloud formations, ready to hammer down as soon as traffic builds up on the M5 south of Gloucester.

A spokesperson for the Canal and Rivers Trust said that many UK waterways were in danger of running dry, but the Bank Holiday weekend had arrived just in time to spare them.

'If it wasn’t for Bank Holiday weekends, UK rivers and canals would be in serious trouble of running dry, fish stocks would plummet and sales of jigsaws and board games would plummet. But, as Benjamin Franklin famously said, only three things in life are certain…death, taxes and torrential f**king rain on a British Bank Holiday weekend.

'Adding a few extra Bank Holiday weekends to the calendar is the most obvious way of topping up our reservoirs and waterways. It should have been done years ago.'

Picture credit: Wix AI