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Gen Z “more than capable of being offended by small, furry animals”


The row over the redesign of Britain’s banknotes entered a new phase today when it emerged it may all have been for nothing.


“We know from experience that some people manage to be offended by just about any historical figure,” said a spokesman for the Royal Mint today. “Even if their opinions were completely normal for the era they lived in. But I guess TikTok doesn’t go into that much detail.


”So we thought we’d circumvent all that by having sweet little animals on the banknotes instead. Who could possibly be offended by them?”


Quite a lot of people, as it turns out. First to “speak her truth” was GenZJenny, who tweeted that the mating habits of the common stoat, which features on the new £10 note, fall far short of the requirements for verbal consent to be obtained at every stage of intimacy, as distributed to all university freshers since 2015.


Others accused the Royal Mint of “privileging Anglocentrism” by featuring only animals native to Britain, saying it was “practically the Amritsar massacre all over again. Educate yourself. I’m literally shaking.”


The spokesman said they’d learned their lesson, and would in future not bother pandering to professional offence takers since it clearly makes no difference.


”And after all, if they’re in their teens or early 20s now, it’s not like they’ll ever have any money anyway.”



Bank of England raises concerns UK economy may have 'disappeared'



The UK is facing an uncertain future today as it appears possible that the UK economy has simply vanished. Financial experts at The Treasury, whose job is to monitor the flows of money into and around the UK, have reported this unprecedented event.


"The economy has gone" said a source who did not want to be named. "Its just not there". If true, the UK is the first developed nation to face this potentially catastrophic scenario.


"I don't know what we will do" said the source "How can we continue to borrow money on the international markets if this gets out? I mean, we have known for decades that the remnants of manufacturing industry have been replaced by industrial museums supported by tourism, and the services we sell abroad were mainly based on Top Of The Pops, but most of us assumed there was still a bit of an engine somewhere, to keep things ticking over"


No 10 has been rumoured to be putting out feelers to see if a transplant economy can be sourced from somewhere in the near future. One option on the table is to transplant the Ukrainian economy to the UK, in the unfortunate event that Russia prevails in its attempt to subdue the entire country.


Another possibility is that the EU would lend us a bit of their economy for an interim period, although this can only be a temporary measure given the EU's policy of a level playing field. A third, less likely possibility is that they could ask Northerners to roll their sleeves up, put their thinking caps on and get stuck in all over again, although this is regarded as a difficult option as it would require Southerners to get out of t'road.




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