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Banks: F**k around meets find out



With less oversight than a FIFA spa day and more dirty practices than an OnlyFans account, the banking sector is awash with unethical activity. The result has been repeated crashes and more short selling than a cub-scout jumble sale.


As capitalism teeters on the edge of armageddon and the last season of the Walking Dead, bankers play Russian roulette with our savings. Confessed one banker: 'I'm sooo bored. Do you think people would notice if I set everyone's head on fire?'


One bank collapse could trigger a domino effect, where the last legal tender will be Monopoly money. The banker said: 'Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Now excuse me, I need to stick this fork into an electrical socket'.





Banking reforms mean cocaine and strippers are back



A City Trader snorted a line of cocaine from a stripper's cleavage before noting that having a former hedge fund manager as PM meant financial deregulation was inevitable.


'Rishi is removing protections designed to prevent a repeat of the 2008 financial crisis so that we can learn nothing and do it again. Yay! The City of London is like The Purge now and we know the government will bail us out with zero consequences. Well, zero consequences for us. By the time we've siphoned off our cut to the Cayman Islands - tax free obvs - there will be nothing for public services for you plebs. I've always thought there were too many public libraries and social care was too well funded anyway. Plus Rishi can make sure whatever scraps we leave only go to the most affluent areas. He said so himself, in public, on camera. Ha ha. Legend.'



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