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Mattel admits “Press Secretary Barbie” not a success

eppursimuove
Oct 16

Toy maker Mattel admitted today that Press Secretary Barbie, the latest iteration in its long running series of plastic blonde dolls, hasn’t been entirely successful.


“The main problem was making it talk,” explained a company spokesman who wished to remain anonymous. “We’ve found that even when we restrict it to empty MAGA platitudes, it can only go 14 minutes before it starts repeating itself and has to be carried offstage.


“After that press conference, we were expecting an angry phone call from the White House. But they’re basically pretty happy with it. If they have a problem, it’s that Trump is so obviously leering at it the whole time, even his base is starting to feel queasy.


“I don’t understand how he can be attracted to something so obviously plastic and fake… sorry, I really don’t know why I said that. Maybe as he wakes up from his afternoon nap, for a few moments he thinks it’s Ivanka.”


image by Grok


The ICE Barbie School of Creative Excuses

Writer: Jeremynh
Jeremynh
Jan 30

Can't think up a good excuse for missing work a second day running? Or for rolling home drunk on your anniversary without a gift for your wife and with lipstick on your collar?


You need to sign up at the ICE Barbie School of Creative Excuses.


This is the woman who stunned the world by saying that Minnesota mum Renee Good, who was shot by ICE agents while driving away in her car, was a domestic terrorist trying to run them over.


ICE Barbie, aka Kristi Noem, then went one better by saying that ICU nurse Alex Pretti, who was shot several times on the ground by Border Patrol agents, was on the verge of killing them all with his phone and a gun still in its holster. And, naturally, she called the slain man a domestic terrorist.


"Our policy with domestic terrorists," Barbie told the press, "is to shoot first and think up vile excuses after."


"The greatest excuse of all," gushed a current student at the ICE Barbie School, "was her excuse for making all these outrageous excuses. She said Trump and his henchman Stephen Miller had told her to say them.


"Barbie's like a cockroach," the student continued to gush. "She is utterly incompetent and thick but her ability to tell jaw-dropping lies to keep herself out of trouble makes her indestructible."


The student in question, one Kemi Badenoch from London, had enrolled at the ICE Barbie School to learn how to explain away the defection of 23 current and former Conservative MPs to Reform UK.



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