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BBC funding model to be more widely adopted

It was announced today, to general shouts of acclamation, that “the unique way the BBC is funded” will no longer be unique.


From now on, anyone who wants to drive any kind of car will have to pay a monthly fee to Skoda. This will entitle them to drive a Skoda or, if they spend more money, the car they actually want.


“It’s ridiculous,” said one disgruntled motorist. “I realise these days Skodas aren’t the joke they were in the 80s. Well, not quite.


“But why should I have to pay them money when I drive a Volkswagen?”


Nor did he accept the argument that Skodas are “public service cars” that the free market couldn't produce. “If anything, making Skoda the ‘trust fund kid’ that doesn’t have to earn a living only makes them complacent. They’d probably make much better cars if they had to worry about appealing to consumers.”


Along the same lines, it was announced that anyone who wants a mobile phone will have to pay a fee to minor manufacturer Xiaomi, and if you want to read any newspaper you’ll have to pay the Leicester Mercury for the privilege.


For his part, Sadiq Khan was furious that there was a way of screwing money out of motorists he hadn’t thought of himself.




BBC sends Gregg Wallace to Gaza

In the wake of report which criticised the BBC for broadcasting a documentary about Gaza, and for its handling of allegations against the Masterchef presenter, it has decided to kill two birds with one stone by sending Gregg Wallace to Gaza.


”Never again will they be able to say we didn’t investigate the background of the person presenting the documentary,” said a suit today. “In this case, we knew with 100% certainty he was someone we wanted to put in harm’s way as soon as possible.”


Wallace’s first report from the war-torn region consisted of the chirpy slaphead commenting “Blimey, there’s not much grub about… I fought you lot was all into falafels or kebabs or summink?”


He then stumbled onto a food distribution point thought to be used as a killzone by the IDF, though the BBC were at pains to stress they only have Hamas’s word for that, unless you count hundreds of hours of footage of starving Palestinians being shot.


Wallace’s bodycam went dark soon after that, his microphone picking up last words that seemed to be something to do with his aunt’s fanny.


Meanwhile his Masterchef co-presenter John Torode was in trouble for a message he sent Wallace encouraging him not to let the “ragheads” get him down.



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