Trump Demands UK Reopens Slade Prison

In what his doctors are calling an Adderall™ assisted policy blitz, President Trump has written to Sir Keir Starmer insisting the UK supports his plan to reopen the notorious Alcatraz Prison by following suit with HMP Slade from classic sitcom Porridge.

Leaked emails from the West Wing to Downing Street say, 'A hard-line penitentiary in the wilds of Cumberland would be perfect for us both to use. I understand it's three weeks from Euston and contains some of the hardest prison officers your country ever produced.

The President does insist that Fletcher is pardoned, Harry Grout is transferred and that Mr Mackay is made Governor. Once this is done, he would like to see the facility during his state visit. In return, we welcome any of your staff to Alcatraz, one we have checked all its tunnels for traces of Sean Connery.'

When the UK government wrote back to explain the prison was a work of fiction created in the 1970s by Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais and that the President should read more, the Trump Administration replied, 'Donald Trump read a book once, green it was.'

Photo by Rodrigo Soares on Unsplash

Son of former BBC exec discovers rare unseen episodes of Jim’ll Touch It

The son of a recently deceased former BBC executive has discovered several previously unseen episodes of Jim’ll Touch It from 1975 hidden in a box in his late father’s shed.

The popular Saturday night programme saw members of the public being ushered into a dark room at the BBC Television Centre, while producers and TV executives looked the other way.

What happened in the room was never made clear, as hardly any contestants wanted to talk about it afterwards. However they all left with the much cherished ‘Jim Touched It For Me’ medal and a haunted look in their eye.

Very few copies of Jim’ll Touch It survive, due to the BBC’s former policy of recording over previously used tapes to save vital costs and ensure all incriminating evidence was properly covered up.

Head of BBC archives Colin Wimblington said “The discovery of these missing episodes is a rare and wonderful opportunity to relive one of the most popular scandals in the BBC’s long and illustrious history of scandals.”

A special gala night of viewing is being planned, as BBC2 will show these episodes for the first time. Other treats on offer will include clips of some of the best controversial BBC moments, such as Martin Bashir’s 1995 interview with Princess Diana, a 30 minute montage of Fiona Bruce’s rampant Hitlerian rhetoric, that thing with Cliff Richard and the helicopters, and worst of all BBC scandals, fly on the wall footage of the meeting in which someone decided to give Michael McIntyre his own TV show.

Greengrocer

Image: TheOtherKev | Pixabay

First published 8 May 2023

www.newsbiscuit.com

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“This may be last Agincourt Day commemoration” laments retired colonel

Retired Colonel Reginald Bradshaw-Wallace, formerly of the 14th Foot and Mouth Regiment, admitted sadly today that this year might be the last commemoration of the Battle of Agincourt in 1415. 

'I was initially enraged by the suggestion that after a mere 610 years, it might be time to call it a day,” the colonel told other drinkers in the bar of his Golf Club.' Though I must admit that it does get harder to get people interested in it.

'The BBC has refused to televise it ever since… well, as long as the BBC’s existed, to be honest. And the number of people turning out.,, well, actually it’s just been me for the past few decades. Not so much a parade as an old man trying to remember where the post office used to be.

'But that doesn’t diminish my enjoyment of it, not at all. As I remember that day when we marched forward to the strains of Elgar, ready to knock the hun for six, cannon to the left of us, cannon to the right of us, and gentlemen in England now abed shall fight them on the landing grounds, and in the streets…'

At this point, he was gently escorted back to the day room and propped up in his usual easy chair.

Photo by Casper Johansson on Unsplash