David Cameron to join cast of EastEnders

The showbiz world is tonight agog following a shock announcement former PM, David Cameron, is to make his TV acting debut in top BBC soap EastEnders later in the year.

Reprising the role of James Wilmott-Brown and perfectly cast as a feckless toff, Mr Cameron's character will become a thorn in the side of tough guy Grant Mitchell, with the pair's blockbusting storyline concluding in the highly coveted Christmas Day episode.

'We expect ratings to soar from November when David's scenes start to go out,' commented one show insider.

Meanwhile Ross Kemp who plays Mitchell said, 'I'm looking forward to meeting Dave. But if he knows what's good for him he'll keep his neck wound in. Else the muppet's liable to get a right good slap if he tries coming it large with any of that old "Lord Muck" bollocks.'

Danny Dyer to join Starmer’s US negotiating team

This morning the Prime Minster announced that Danny Dyer will be joining his US trade negotiating team. Starmer said “In films Danny Dyer has proved himself adept at working in environments populated by poorly educated sociopaths, therefore Trump’s Whitehouse should be easy for him to deal with.”

Sir Keir went on, “Negotiating with them won’t be easy though, they are a very tough, but no tougher than the Millwall were outside the Bell-End Pub, and besides JD Vance is not expected to be tooled up, other than by carrying a laptop.” Danny Dyer has been warned in advance not to offer 'marching powder' during the discussions because Trump doesn’t do drugs and Sir Keir has very limited nasal passageways.

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BBC welcomes exciting new bureaucrat to replace boring old bureaucrat

'We are delighted to welcome a new person dressed in a trouser suit to the ridiculously overpaid post of Chief Content Officer,' said a BBC spokes-minion, addressing virtually no one in a press briefing room at New Broadcasting House.

'Her job will be to sit in meeting rooms and nibble biscuits while saying 'Ooh, I quite like that' every time someone suggests a really rather tired and derivative programme idea - adding the words 'let's discuss that at another 120 meetings'.

'This is a vital post to fill,' the spokes-drone continued, 'following the departure of our last, vastly overpaid, Chief Content Suit, Charlotte Any-Moore-Biscuits. You'd probably never heard of her, but she was a key corporate apparatchik who sat in meetings about a whole range of really seminal BBC programmes - which most of you never watched.'

At this point, an empty red trouser suit strode purposefully to the dais and said: 'In this role I am determined to optimise output variables by benchmarking key targets for our content performance with new and flexible benchmarks which you can operate horizontally, vertically or even turn upside down - with all our future programmes being sprinkled with new, cutting-edge AI dross.

'Do I watch TV myself?' said the suit, replying to a mumbled question from a bored reporter. 'Not really. There's so little worth watching nowadays. Don't you agree?' 

Picture credit: Wix AI