Man confirms plan to watch sh!tloads of snooker

A man has confirmed his plans to watch a frankly ridiculous amount of snooker over the next 2 weeks.

Mike McBride, 46, has cleared his diary of all other activities, and will consume over 240 hours of action from the green baize tables of the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, via as many BBC platforms as possible.

Despite having no interest whatsoever in the sport for the remainder of the year and no particular affinity for any player, McBride will pay a worrying level of attention to the World championship, memorising every player nickname, charting routes to the final, and monitoring how the famous nap of the tables at the Crucible is playing.

’You’ve always got to fancy ‘the Rocket’ of course’, noted McBride to no-one in particular, with one eye on the action from the morning session on day 3, table 2 on a specially installed extra TV in his living room.

‘And that’s despite the fact that his average break and safety percentages are always a bit low in the two-table format, he said, checking one of his notebooks. ‘Young Jackson Page - Action Jackson they call him, you know - could be a real thorn in his side in the first round though’.

‘It’s the same every year’ said Sarah, Mike’s wife. ‘There’s just this eerie silence for 17 days, punctuated by periodic low level mutterings from Mike about Barry Hawkins’ need to get the cue ball back to baulk, Mark Selby being particularly good with the spider, and the pockets playing tight. I have no idea what he’s on about. It’s like having John bloody Virgo as a house guest’.

‘Personally I think his installation of a portaloo in the living room so he doesn’t miss any crucial shots is a bit much’ continued Sarah. ‘It certainly made our daughter’s birthday party at the weekend a bit more interesting’.

‘At least it will be over by bank holiday Monday’ said Sarah. ‘Wait, what’s that, it’s the Euros AND an Olympic year as well? Oh Jesus. I’m definitely snookered needing an unlikely three cushion escape.’

image from pixabay

BBC announces new series: Great British Railway Cancellations

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New crime thriller "The Gove'nor" to air on BBC2, Jan '25

Expecting a Tory drubbing in the upcoming general election, the Secretary of State for levelling up, housing and communities hasn’t been working hard for the country for the last four years. Instead, he has secretly been writing a tawdry television thriller. Thanks to the massive sway the Tory party has over the BBC, the series has been bought and will air on BBC2 early in the new year.

The series is all about Gove. The story has it that the slug lipped politician loses his seat to the Reform party candidate, Lee Anderson who, upon being elected, immediately defects to a new party run by Tommy Robinson called the 'Give us our country back you fuckers!' party.

Gove, now bankrupt and destitute, can’t get a job due to his toxic reputation as a slime ball backstabbing shit bag. So, he sets himself up as a private eye.

The story jumps forward two years. Gove, now an alcoholic, has a self-loathing scene in every episode where he grieves for the daughter he tragically lost.

Drowning his sorrows in Dom Perignon 1999 vintage champagne, we see in a flashback how it happened. She is trampled to death in a polling accident when a mob of disenfranchised Labour voters with pitch forks, denied the ballot because of no ID papers, storm the polling station where she was teaching immigrant children about democracy.

The second episode has Gove hired by Nadine Dorries to find out who was really behind the downfall of Boris Johnson and why nobody bought her shitty book.

Casting has already begun. Rubber-faced comedian Rowan Atkinson will play the part of Gove. Other parts include:

- Rishi Sunak to be played by the moth eaten puppet Roland Rat

- James Cleverly to be played by Lenny Henry

- Esther Mc Vey to be played by a Dot Cotton lookalike

- Jacob Rees-Mogg to be played by Janette Krankie on stilts and poppers

- Oliver Dowden to be played by a ginger rice pudding

- Therese Coffey to be played by Lord Pickles wearing a bell tent

- Lee Anderson to be played by Garry Glitter (parole permitting)

TV critic for the UK red top, The Daily Shite, said about the series, 'I’ve read the script. It’s derivative, corny, and has more holes in the plot than there are potholes in our roads. The BBC is shit-scared of Gove and has bunged the melted cheese-faced twat millions for the series. But it won’t be nearly as bad as the other one they’ve had to buy under pressure from the Tories. That has Boris Johnson playing Beppo the sad faced clown in a remake of Steven King’s IT.'

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