BBC News seeks new “walking around in the background guy”

BBC News has advertised for a new guy to walk around in the background during news broadcasts.

“Viewers often assume the people they see in the background are journalists, putting together bulletins for the newsreaders to read out,” said the BBC’s Head of People, Yolanda Kumquat.

“In fact, we keep them in a windowless room deep underground in another building. Scruffy, unshaven, living on coffee and cigarettes, haven’t showered in a week… we’d probably be shut down by Public Health if anyone ever saw them.

“So we hire much smarter looking people to walk around in the background during news broadcasts.”

Asked whether it was a difficult or demanding job, Kumquat admitted it isn’t really. “You just have to put on a suit and strut about looking important, holding documents you never actually read. We often use former Director Generals, as their experience fits them perfectly.”

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BBC bookers express relief at Farage's latest attempt to become MP

Nigel Farage, the 21st century's Oswald Moseley, is planning his 85th run to be a Westminster MP, much to the relief of the BBC's political bookers.

'Phew' said one 'Now we can have Nige on everything, all the time, as normal. He can have his usual chair on Newsnight and Question Time. He can present Have I Got News For You and the 10 o'clock news and a maybe a few travel and quiz shows as well.'

'We were worried that we would have to book people who can string a sentence together without some xenophobic soundbites. Or worse, someone with progressive views. It's a good job there have never been any Green MPs. Ever. Not on Newsnight anyway.'

'If you think it's weird that we constantly book someone with the electoral success rate of Count Binface, but without the brains, charisma or morality, you have to remember that Farage is box office. Toxic, poisonous, racist box office, full of more effluent than the River Thames.'

'You'd want to have a pint with him, but only so that you can glass him.'

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BBC News increasingly desperate for non-election stories

The news room is well-stocked with general election stories right now.  Party press offices are spewing out media opportunities, propaganda and policy tit-bits at a rate of knots.   There are plenty of election stories, non-stories and scandals (real and imagined) to fill the news bulletins.

The dilemma is how to balance the furious electioneering with something a bit more light-hearted. On the local news, it is fairly easy. Cat stuck up tree. Tree stuck up cat. Man immersed in beans/prawns/sewage to raise money for charity/motorhome/dying relative. Local businessman banged up again. Local issues with cladding/waiting lists/housing issues. No problem. But finding non-election stores at national level is harder.

Editors have been advised to try and find fun stories about, for example, animals, the environment, historical sex abuse scandals, and funny shaped vegetables (as long as there is a national context). If desperate, they are advised to run stories about anniversaries (85 years since the invention of string) or ‘national-day-of’ stories or things they found on TikTok.

The final option is to admit defeat - run the election stories, and then end the news bulletin twenty minutes early.  And then fill the gap with the potter’s wheel or the test card. The public will be grateful. And somebody might win a Bafta.

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