Alf Garnett too late to stop Brexit

Frustratingly the BBC's re-boot of 'Till Death Us Do Part' has missed its chance to spread a message of brotherly love to wavering Referendum voters. Alf's sage commentary on multi-culturalism and the need for an integrated Europe, could so easily have tipped the balance in favour of the 'bloody foreigners'.

Explained one critic: 'Its nonsense to suggest that this is the sitcom equivalent of an UKIP poster. Clearly a it's clever play within a play. At a time when the UK is seeing a spike in hate crimes, it makes perfect sense to return to ambiguous comic xenophobia'. Said one smug BBC executive: 'The wonderful thing about Alf is he could be enjoyed by everyone - liberals could see him as an 'ironic' racist figure, while the rest of us could just take him on face value'.

Later this year the BBC plans to re-shooting several missing black and white episodes - although so far they have found only the white ones. Sadly David Cameron must now be kicking himself that he did not have Alf Garnett by his side to make the case for Europe. Although Theresa May has said it is not too late for a 70's bigot to join her Cabinet, but she may have been referencing Liam Fox.

'Being shaken by the lapels has damaged my health' says Eastenders' Ian Beale

Eastenders stalwart, Adam Woodyatt, who plays Ian Beale in the long-running soap, has revealed that he has been diagnosed with early-stage dementia due to having been regularly seized by the lapels and shaken violently by various co-stars throughout his 70 years playing the divisive character.

It is estimated that Woodyatt, 87, has been shaken by the lapels more than 3000 times by over 50 characters, including, Dirty Den, both Mitchell brothers, Nasty Nick, and even, on one memorable occasion, by Dot Cotton after he attempted to avoid paying for a service wash in the launderette.

Woodyatt told the Radio Times: 'I noticed that I'd been forgetting my lines recently and was having trouble remembering where I'd parked the car. On the advice of friends, I visited my GP who broke the news that I have early-stage dementia due to being shaken all the time. I suppose it's a bit like Shaken Baby Syndrome for older people. I haven't started wandering off during the night in my dressing gown and slippers just yet, but it won't be long before I do I don't suppose'.

An Eastenders insider said last night: 'I'm sorry to hear that Adam's in shit state, but that's the price you can expect to pay for playing an irritating fucknut like Beale.

Local dog-walker 'gutted' after failure to stumble upon grisly murder scene

A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London has told a local newspaper that he was extremely disappointed when he failed to discover the body of a murder victim while walking his new puppy at the weekend.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Vallance Road, told The East London Gazette: "I was really looking forward to taking the dog out for his first walk and stumbling on a dead body in some dense undergrowth after he'd run in to investigate the scent of a decomposing body.

"However, after spending over an hour in Mile End Park, going close to all the undergrowth I could find, I came back home with absolutely no murder scene to my name.

"I was really looking forward to stumbling across a mutilated corpse and calling the cops to report it.

"I could have been interviewed on BBC London News by that Alice Bandrakarvy or one of her colleagues, so I'm pretty gutted to be honest.

"If this continues for much longer I'll get rid of the dog or get the missus to take it out in future"

Statistics show that 98 per cent of murder victims are discovered by dog walkers, usually after the owner has accidentally thrown the dog's ball into a densely wooded area or thick undergrowth.

Danny Soz