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Widget-maker's reputation "will never recover from this," the nation is told


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A widget-making firm which employed someone who hooked up with young people online is now "irreparably damaged" and "doomed", according to impartial industry commentators.


"I can't see how anyone will buy a single widget from this manufacturer ever again," they continued, impartially.


The commentators on this matter all run rival widget companies, and would like nothing better than to see the century-old British Widget Corporation close down.


"The government must respond to this earth-shattering scandal by immediately scrapping the Widget Licence Fee, so we can make more money," said a spokeswoman for Sky Widgets.




Cat dies, resulting in blanket press coverage


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Tiddles the cat has died and many media outlets have shown an extraordinary fascination in the story, halting coverage of almost everything else.


Tara Taylor, who owned the former feline, sniffed sadly 'I loved little Tiddles. He was getting on a bit, but I didn't think his death would warrant blanket national news coverage for several days. The Sun did say it had a dossier on Tiddles' life, but they never produced it.'


'It's almost as though huge sections of the press are deliberately avoiding the casual cruelty of a government who openly court the racist vote. Don't the Murdoch press want to hold Boris Johnson's allies to account over their interference in the Partygate probe? It's almost like they'd prefer we forgot about that.'


A Sun reporter alleged 'At The Sun, we think paedophiles are the cats' pyjamas - the dead cat's pyjamas.'




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