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Those BBC programme cutbacks in full


"We've entrusted the BBC's governors to oversee our defence against President Trump's libel suit," said a spokes-antenna for the corporation, "and that almost definitely means we'll lose the case and have to pay him a fortune.


"With that in mind," continued the spokes-cheque, "we're replacing our regular TV schedule with an exciting new economy line of programmes.


"East Enders will be replaced with Ceased Enders, where viewers can watch scene shifters take apart the set on Albert Square so it can be flogged to Sky.


"Top Gearbox will see the madcap team go to a Unipart warehouse to compare gearboxes for price and quality.


"There'll be Dr Who Can Lend Us A Fiver and our new charity fundraiser, Corporation in Need.


"And every day we'll be screening an exhilarating new psycho-drama called Transmisson Test Card, featuring a girl playing noughts and crosses with a weird clown doll.


"We're expecting the whole of Britain to be riveted to their screens, waiting for him to come to life and draw a nought.


Unfortunately, we can't brg you any more examples of new cut price programmes because we've just laid off everyone in our comedy writing team.


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A letter to the BBC about allowing the Green Party to talk


Dear Whoever is currently in charge of the BBC,


I was furious again today. The radical BBC again showed how biased it is against the English by wasting time doing some sort of Green Party interview. The Green Party! I mean, they have only ever had one MP and no one likes them.


I was trying to listen to Radio 4 to see if they were slating the “Budget” enough, and they decided to do this bit on the extremist, radical Green party. I was disgusted, DISGUSTED! that instead of getting Sir Nigel Farage to talk about them, they had some foreign sounding bloke called Zick Zack Poland-ski. Apparently he is some sort of leader, probably just the leader of the Welsh Greens, WHICH IS A NOTHING POSITION!


How dare this literal terrorist be interviewed and take valuable time from other political parties, parties that have many more MPs than this joke of a party. I was too angry to listen to single word he said, it was probably all about trees, although I think I heard him talk defensively about tits at one point.


Where was the Reform Ltd representative to counter balance his radical tree hugging nonsense? Cancelled probably. Bloody typical.


If I paid my BBC Licence, I would be livid that I had paid for such wokeness.


I am going to have to paint a roundabout to calm down and maybe shout at a hotel next time I am over there.


Concerned,


A True English Patriot currently living in Malaga



Harry the Bastard to join Trump in class action libel case against BBC


In an unexpected legal move, Harry the Bastard has become a co-litigant in the libel case brought by President Trump against the BBC.


'I was libelled good and proper on the Young Ones sitcom in the eighties,' said Harry today.  'The BBC insinuated that I was an employee of Rumbelows and I've always disputed that*.  It never turned a profit and disappeared under Thatcher's watch.  Nothing to do with me.  I've never disputed being a right bastard, but working at a low-end electrical retailer, that's akin to suggesting I incited an insurrection at the White House.


'Which is why I've joined forces with President Trump, who was also misrepresented by the BBC.  They find for Trump, he wins, so I win.  They find for me, I win, so he wins.  I'm happy to split the $5Bn fifty-fifty, or whatever the Donald thinks is appropriate, but a squillionth of $5Bn is still a lot, isn't it?' he asked.


*Harry the Bastard was under manager of the Watford branch of Rumbelows until the company folded in February 1995.  He's currently employed as a vetting agent for Reform Ltd.




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