Johnson's Mission To Ukraine Fails To Find Out If They've Been To Peppa Pig World

Today Mr Johnson has spent the day in Ukraine hoping to establish whether or not members of the Ukraine Government have recently visited Peppa Pig world. Despite raising the question in several speeches as well as directly asking senior Government Ministers he has failed to get any answers beyond blank looks and brief consultations with nearby aids.

Immediately on his return home Mr Johnson established contact with the UK Peppa Pig world hoping to send additional Peppa Pigs to Ukraine to help then in what he has established is their time of great need. No 10 later released a statement "How can the country appreciate all the West has to offer if nobody has yet had the opportunity to spend the afternoon at Peppa Pig World?"

Image: Foxpool | Pixabay

Appeal launched to save Boris' skin for a grateful nation

English Heritage and the National Trust have announced a joint appeal to save the prime minister's skin and prevent it from being sold abroad.

A spokesperson said: 'It's vital that Boris's skin, which has an area of some 523 square feet, stays in Britain. It would be an absolute tragedy if it were taken out of the country and displayed in somewhere like Paris, or, God forbid, run up a flag pole in Brussels. Admittedly it is exceptionally thin and badly bruised in places, mainly due to the fallout from an excess of champagne cork popping. As a result, the skin has been designated as an Area of Outstanding Bullshit.'

Culture secretary and part-time sanitary pad Nadine Dorries said the PM's skin is iconic. 'It's as important to the nation's history as one of Churchill's Boer war condoms. I'm doing everything in my power to save it, including giving it a quick iron, destroying the BBC and taking a Masters in sycophantic grovelling.'

Wordle to replace CBeebies, CBBC

Secretary of State for Eating Ostrich Anus, Nadine Dorries, is fully defunding the pinko, commie, Britain-hating BBC, to ingratiate herself with the Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch. Co-conspirator in hate Julia Hartley-Brewer added the BBC shouldn't produce content that she herself doesn’t directly consume – she finds CBeebies too advanced. Dorries is therefore replacing all CBeebies and CBBC programmes with Wordle, the free, once-a-day, 5-letter game. Once the game is completed the channels will play the national anthem on a loop. In solidarity, Dorries’ next novel will contain no words longer than 5 letters.

Parent Karolina Krychowiak noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident. Mr Tumble is always watching. Words that describe the Tories mostly have 4 letters, but I suppose the plurals have 5.’