Civil service 'seriously considered' telling Queen that bears defecate in woods

Senior civil servants 'seriously considered' telling the Queen that bears sh*t in the woods and that the Pope is a Catholic, according to the BBC's Laura Kuennsberg.

Furthermore, says Kuennsberg, they seriously considered telling her that Boris Johnson was behaving in office like a gallivanting elephant out of its head on amphetimines.

'There would have been no other way for Her Majesty to have known how disgracefully irresponsible and chaotic her prime minister was,' continued Kuennsberg.

'Apart from by opening a newspaper, watching the telly, listening to the radio or speaking to any other human being in Britain during the time that Boris was in Downing Street.

'Or by meeting him, I suppose,' added Kuennsberg.

'Two minutes in Johnson's company would have told her everything about this reckless, blundering oaf that she'd ever have needed to know.'

Our ministers are bears in disguise, admits UK government

The UK is actually run by voracious bears in human costumes, the current management of the once-fashionable North Atlantic island group has admitted.

Popular suspicions were first aroused when the prime minister was discovered to be a hairy 'big beast' called Boris that was always chasing after honeys.

Now footage has emerged of ministers shuffling around Whitehall on all fours, chasing immigrants up trees and looking for public sector picnic baskets to raid.

Political zoologists have welcomed the government's clarification. 'Previously we thought only Russia and the stock exchange were run by bears,' said Professor Griselda Adams, 'although I suspect that Westminster may also be home to a herd of wild pigs with their snouts in the trough.'

Meanwhile, a statement issued by undisguised bears distanced "the ursine community at large" from the "all too human greed and mayhem caused by our suit-clad cousins in London", and hoped they would "return to their natural ways before all our habitats are ruined".

Man who lived off worms and urine employed as consultant by Thérèse Coffey

Jhonatan Acosta who spent a month in the Amazon jungle eating worms and drinking his own urine has been employed by Environment secretary Thérèse Coffey.

Ms Coffey explained: 'Government forecasts suggests that turnips might be something of a luxury item in months to come, but as farmers will tell you, worms are plentiful throughout the year and the government has been stockpiling urine for many years - when we take the piss, we don't just chuck it away. Mr Acosta will be advising the department as we produce a new document entitled 'What to do when the turnips run out.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/anaterate-2348028/

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