Our ministers are bears in disguise, admits UK government

The UK is actually run by voracious bears in human costumes, the current management of the once-fashionable North Atlantic island group has admitted.

Popular suspicions were first aroused when the prime minister was discovered to be a hairy 'big beast' called Boris that was always chasing after honeys.

Now footage has emerged of ministers shuffling around Whitehall on all fours, chasing immigrants up trees and looking for public sector picnic baskets to raid.

Political zoologists have welcomed the government's clarification. 'Previously we thought only Russia and the stock exchange were run by bears,' said Professor Griselda Adams, 'although I suspect that Westminster may also be home to a herd of wild pigs with their snouts in the trough.'

Meanwhile, a statement issued by undisguised bears distanced "the ursine community at large" from the "all too human greed and mayhem caused by our suit-clad cousins in London", and hoped they would "return to their natural ways before all our habitats are ruined".

Man who lived off worms and urine employed as consultant by Thérèse Coffey

Jhonatan Acosta who spent a month in the Amazon jungle eating worms and drinking his own urine has been employed by Environment secretary Thérèse Coffey.

Ms Coffey explained: 'Government forecasts suggests that turnips might be something of a luxury item in months to come, but as farmers will tell you, worms are plentiful throughout the year and the government has been stockpiling urine for many years - when we take the piss, we don't just chuck it away. Mr Acosta will be advising the department as we produce a new document entitled 'What to do when the turnips run out.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/anaterate-2348028/

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Meanwhile, out in the woods ...