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A man has successfully substituted his entire personality for an obsession with Madri.


The popular beer has been the drink of choice for many in the U.K. this summer and is now a common sight at most pubs.


But the beer has attracted a crowd of people who have nothing to offer anyone but a monologue about how much they love Madri.


One man in particular, Simon Jones, has cut off his friends and family over the last few months.


His friend, John Cavanagh, said: “it all started with the first sip back in June. He immediately began banging on about how it was much smoother than other beers and was far superior to anything out there.

“He then bought the merchandise - key rings, shirts, socks - even Madri flavoured condoms.


“He laughs at us if we drink anything other than Madri and lectures us on its taste.”


It is understood that his friends have been trying to get Simon to take part in some form of rehabilitation.


John added: “We just want our old Carling drinking friend back. Madri is like a monster inside him - a monster that won’t bloody shut up about Madri’s smoothness.”




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Team Britain is doing well so far in this year's Alcoholympics, popularly known as the Paralytic Games, where competitors have to be completely shit-faced but are usually fully able-bodied otherwise. Events include not only indoor games like darts, dominoes, quoits, pool, snooker, billiards, shove-ha'penny and skittles, as well as less athletic games like crib, poker, phat (for those from the Welsh Marches) and tens (for refugees from South wales) but also more fiercely competitive outdoor games out in the car park.


These slightly more aggressive games include oiyouspilledmypint, ourfootyteamisbetterthanyourfootyteam, and perhaps the most combative car-park game of all, areyoulookinatmybird, with its accompanying comeonthenifyouthinkyourehardenough variant. Major sponsors include Fullers, Greene King and Wetherspoons.


However the Paralytic Games are only just recovering for a major scandal of a few years ago when, amid much controversy, the Swiss team was banned following a drugs test in which the whole team were found to be completely free of any mind-altering substances whatsoever, not even alcohol. 'This was an outrage' complained one unsteadily-swaying British competitor 'The sneaky bastards were trying to gain a completely unfair advantage over the rest of the world's decent, respectable piss-heads'.


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