IMF 'bunch of bellends' or 'absolutely brilliant' depending if we need to borrow money

This week, the government is focusing its mixed messaging and contradictory positions on the International Monetary Fund.

'How dare they criticise our incompetence', said someone doing a terrible impression of a Chancellor. 'Yes, the pound has collapsed and the country's heading for a slump, but they shouldn't point that out. Having said that, we really love the way they loan money to countries that have destroyed their own economies. Not that we've done that, and if we did it's definitely Gordon Brown's fault.'

Djokovic attended Downing Street lockdown party claim witnesses

The worlds much-loved number one tennis bellend is said to be amongst 370 people who attended the event in May 2020. The claim increases pressure on the worlds much-loved number one prime ministerial bellend. Mr Johnson says he can’t recall anything, can’t spell the word ‘party’ in any case, and strenuously denies even knowing who Djokovic is.

“Ah…um...well…jolly tricky all this. I did remember being introduced to some sporting chappie, but frankly, they all look the same after a couple of bottles of vintage Dom Perignon.’

A Downing Street spokesman denied that any rules had been broken apart from the ones that were: ‘There’s nothing in the rules to say that Mr Djokovic, who wasn’t here, by the way, cannot play tennis with senior cabinet ministers, who also weren’t here. There is also no truth in the spurious rumours that Prince Andrew, who didn't attend, served canapes, or that Melania Trump, who also wasn’t here, was fired out of a canon. Mind you, it was pretty bloody spectacular, even though no one was here and nothing happened.’

Image:Pixabay/blende12

Johnson denies government held illegal raves during first lockdown		Many households now depend on free newspapers to stay warm