Bible authors ‘must have been on drugs’ say experts

Recent scholarship has confirmed that whoever wrote the Bible ‘must have been off their tits, or something’.

Doctor Pete Lawton of the University of Padgate has been researching the Bible for twenty years. His PhD thesis “Biblical Exegesis: Is It A Waste of Everybody’s Time?” was less an academic paper than a cry for help.

‘I’ve spent the best years of my life studying this book’, he told journalists. ‘I’ve read it in Greek, in Hebrew, I even learned Aramaic for that bit at the end where Jesus gets really pissed off. All around me the literature and art students were getting laid, getting wasted, going to music festivals. I actually pitied them their shallow lives. Can you believe that?

‘And then it dawned on me: it’s totally batshit crazy. Plague of boils? Frogs? People getting turned into pillars of salt? It’s like Game of Thrones on acid. Might as well study the Tooth Fairy.

‘I went off the rails a bit, got a new hairstyle and tried Psilocybin. That first trip – wow. I could hear the trees murmuring to one another through the earth. I held a conversation with a eucalyptus tree in Australia – they’re all connected, you see – and I felt the warmth of the earth’s embrace for the first time. When I came round I’d crapped myself quite thoroughly, but after a quick shower I went back to the Bible and it suddenly made sense’.

Theologians are divided on whether the Bible was written under the influence of mushrooms or alcohol, but strongly recommend being high before reading the thing.

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Reform Council Cuts Funding To Noah

As part of their attempts to cut local government waste, and to get a like from Elon Musk on Twitter, Lincolnshire County Council has suspended funding to a local shipwright for what they describe as, 'a woke waste of public money.'

Standing at his slipway near Mablethorpe, Noah Abraham looks down at the keel of his 'Animal Rescuing Ketch' and sighs. 'It's such a shame,' he tells us. 'They said the only deity they worship is Nigel Farage, and he's not given the instruction to build a vessel, so I'm officially cancelled, along with the Pride festival and Employment Rights training.'

At County Hall, a Reform Party spokesman defended the cuts, saying, 'Mr Abraham's project was yet another example of the waste that Reform Councils will be cutting through. Lincolnshire is clearly at no risk of flooding, so long as we take the time to stand on the beach at Skegness and order the tide to turn. And if it were to flood, we'd all simply get in small boats, sail up the coast a bit, and get put up in five-star hotels.'

Elaborating on the rejection of Noah's scheme, he continued. 'When we looked at his plan, it was entirely unworkable, as we simply cannot afford two of every animal. However, many of our councillors did approve of the idea that a future world would be populated by a single bloodline. After all, keeping your family close is par for the course in the wolds, which also explains why many local children start school being able to count to eleven.'

Nigel Farage was not available for comment without paying him £50 to give an answer via Cameo.

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Biblical Guideline for Ministers of Energy and Renewables (Millibrand)

Verily, his name shall be called thrice upon nought upon the fraction bearing fruitful of the beating of the hand upon the firmer flesh. And his wrist will cry out, as an ankle after many leagues of travel.

But in his forthcoming there shall not be substance, but rather the Pestilence that festers forth upon dark shadows in every corner of the land,

The Sun now declineth to set behind him, lest even bearing his shadow to some greater distance would invite The Commons of joint darker forces.

Yet he would sell unto others, both the shining of the Sun and the blowing of the wind as if they were his own and laying them forth before the good people of the land in exchange for their pieces of silver.

Yet, even in his wisdom, he wasteth the chiselings of such silver coin and turn into soil, from the very flesh of the cloven hoof twixt two bountiful layers of the oven borne mana from the grain of the land itself, being also the fruit of the both sun and the wind thereof, and henceforth should even his own tongue and that of his spouse also become thus cloven

PSalms 10;2-7

CC to Shadow (smirk) Minister for Renewables.

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