Reform Council Cuts Funding To Noah

As part of their attempts to cut local government waste, and to get a like from Elon Musk on Twitter, Lincolnshire County Council has suspended funding to a local shipwright for what they describe as, 'a woke waste of public money.'

Standing at his slipway near Mablethorpe, Noah Abraham looks down at the keel of his 'Animal Rescuing Ketch' and sighs. 'It's such a shame,' he tells us. 'They said the only deity they worship is Nigel Farage, and he's not given the instruction to build a vessel, so I'm officially cancelled, along with the Pride festival and Employment Rights training.'

At County Hall, a Reform Party spokesman defended the cuts, saying, 'Mr Abraham's project was yet another example of the waste that Reform Councils will be cutting through. Lincolnshire is clearly at no risk of flooding, so long as we take the time to stand on the beach at Skegness and order the tide to turn. And if it were to flood, we'd all simply get in small boats, sail up the coast a bit, and get put up in five-star hotels.'

Elaborating on the rejection of Noah's scheme, he continued. 'When we looked at his plan, it was entirely unworkable, as we simply cannot afford two of every animal. However, many of our councillors did approve of the idea that a future world would be populated by a single bloodline. After all, keeping your family close is par for the course in the wolds, which also explains why many local children start school being able to count to eleven.'

Nigel Farage was not available for comment without paying him £50 to give an answer via Cameo.

Image credit: stable diffusion

Biblical Guideline for Ministers of Energy and Renewables (Millibrand)

Verily, his name shall be called thrice upon nought upon the fraction bearing fruitful of the beating of the hand upon the firmer flesh. And his wrist will cry out, as an ankle after many leagues of travel.

But in his forthcoming there shall not be substance, but rather the Pestilence that festers forth upon dark shadows in every corner of the land,

The Sun now declineth to set behind him, lest even bearing his shadow to some greater distance would invite The Commons of joint darker forces.

Yet he would sell unto others, both the shining of the Sun and the blowing of the wind as if they were his own and laying them forth before the good people of the land in exchange for their pieces of silver.

Yet, even in his wisdom, he wasteth the chiselings of such silver coin and turn into soil, from the very flesh of the cloven hoof twixt two bountiful layers of the oven borne mana from the grain of the land itself, being also the fruit of the both sun and the wind thereof, and henceforth should even his own tongue and that of his spouse also become thus cloven

PSalms 10;2-7

CC to Shadow (smirk) Minister for Renewables.

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Updated Seven Deadly Sins from the King Trump Bible

As Trump is an angry, lazy, vain, greedy, adulterous, gluttonous fraudster, a new “interpretation” of the original (and best) sins was needed. By using an alternative theory on the separation of church and state as written in the US constitution, the current US Government has issued the all-new deadly sins list. So in at number seven, here we go!

• Empathy – This is definitely a weakness and shows basic lack of alpha-ness and should never be attempted.

• Critical Thinking – Believe something, find opinions online that support it. These are your facts. Do not falter or back down. To do otherwise is now a sin. This is your life now.

• Awareness – Something is only bad if it is bad to you directly. You have a nice safe bubble that is always right, all other bubbles are wrong and dangerous. Only listen to voices in your echo chamber.

• Diversity – If something is different from you and your views, it is wrong and scary. God said so.

• Equity – You don’t need to know what this means, it is just the middle letter in an abbreviation you have been told to hate.

• Inclusion – In the bible, those two Corinthians must have said this at some point, “Screw you, I got mine” and I think we can all agree that is a valuable lesson to live by.

• Integrity – The white Jesus said, do what I say, not what I do. I can do what I want, and you must do what I want you to do. Hypocrisy is your shield and ignorance is your sword.