God admits to planting fossils

There is much rejoicing across the American Bible Belt today as the Earth's real age of 6,000 years has been confirmed by its Creator. 'When you're an omnipotent deity, sticking a few funny animal shapes into rocks is no big deal,' says God. 'Anyone who's read the Old Testament will know that I'm a dab hand with special effects. If I parted the Red Sea then I can easily slip a fake jawbone under a few feet of earth."

God will not reveal what other surprises He has in store, but He does hint at a major bombshell on the astronomy front. 'The solar system is not as it seems,' is all He would say for now. 'It's amazing how easily you can play optical illusions with the cosmos when you've designed it yourself. Put it this way, Galileo's work will soon be back on the Index.'

The Natural History Museum has closed for business after apologising for 'misleading the public since 1881'. Its manager has confirmed the premises will be up for sale 'as soon as we've shifted all those so-called dinosaur bones off to a landfill somewhere'. Experts are forecasting widespread job losses in university departments around the country. Richard Dawkins has admitted his professorship at Oxford is finished. 'But never mind,' he says, 'I have my eye on an upcoming vacancy for Archbishop of Canterbury.'

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Bible authors ‘must have been on drugs’ say experts

Recent scholarship has confirmed that whoever wrote the Bible ‘must have been off their tits, or something’.

Doctor Pete Lawton of the University of Padgate has been researching the Bible for twenty years. His PhD thesis “Biblical Exegesis: Is It A Waste of Everybody’s Time?” was less an academic paper than a cry for help.

‘I’ve spent the best years of my life studying this book’, he told journalists. ‘I’ve read it in Greek, in Hebrew, I even learned Aramaic for that bit at the end where Jesus gets really pissed off. All around me the literature and art students were getting laid, getting wasted, going to music festivals. I actually pitied them their shallow lives. Can you believe that?

‘And then it dawned on me: it’s totally batshit crazy. Plague of boils? Frogs? People getting turned into pillars of salt? It’s like Game of Thrones on acid. Might as well study the Tooth Fairy.

‘I went off the rails a bit, got a new hairstyle and tried Psilocybin. That first trip – wow. I could hear the trees murmuring to one another through the earth. I held a conversation with a eucalyptus tree in Australia – they’re all connected, you see – and I felt the warmth of the earth’s embrace for the first time. When I came round I’d crapped myself quite thoroughly, but after a quick shower I went back to the Bible and it suddenly made sense’.

Theologians are divided on whether the Bible was written under the influence of mushrooms or alcohol, but strongly recommend being high before reading the thing.

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Reform Council Cuts Funding To Noah

As part of their attempts to cut local government waste, and to get a like from Elon Musk on Twitter, Lincolnshire County Council has suspended funding to a local shipwright for what they describe as, 'a woke waste of public money.'

Standing at his slipway near Mablethorpe, Noah Abraham looks down at the keel of his 'Animal Rescuing Ketch' and sighs. 'It's such a shame,' he tells us. 'They said the only deity they worship is Nigel Farage, and he's not given the instruction to build a vessel, so I'm officially cancelled, along with the Pride festival and Employment Rights training.'

At County Hall, a Reform Party spokesman defended the cuts, saying, 'Mr Abraham's project was yet another example of the waste that Reform Councils will be cutting through. Lincolnshire is clearly at no risk of flooding, so long as we take the time to stand on the beach at Skegness and order the tide to turn. And if it were to flood, we'd all simply get in small boats, sail up the coast a bit, and get put up in five-star hotels.'

Elaborating on the rejection of Noah's scheme, he continued. 'When we looked at his plan, it was entirely unworkable, as we simply cannot afford two of every animal. However, many of our councillors did approve of the idea that a future world would be populated by a single bloodline. After all, keeping your family close is par for the course in the wolds, which also explains why many local children start school being able to count to eleven.'

Nigel Farage was not available for comment without paying him £50 to give an answer via Cameo.

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