Man certain Trump lost in 2016, doubly certain about 2024

'Oh no,' he said, 'it's inconceivable. At my dinner party, last night, not one person said they would vote for him.' Asked if his dining guests were a representative sample of the whole of America, he looked blank. 'You mean the chef?'

Some point to the fact that Trump is indited on multiple fronts and very rude, as reason he would lose. While others point out that Trump is indited on multiple fronts and very rude, and is currently ahead in every poll. Likewise working class voters feel abandoned by Biden: 'At least when Trump abandons you, you get a decent divorce settlement'.

Senior Democrats do not understand why Joe Biden is proving so unpopular, given he is supporting genocide and is 120 years old. His 'I'm not Trump' policy, only really works if you actually try to not be like Trump. Yet one strategist remained optimistic: 'A Trump win is not inevitable, for that you would need Hilary Clinton.'

image from pixabay

New US intelligence leak leaves national IQ reserves at critical low

Following the latest online leak of US intelligence, government officials fear the resultant low national IQ reserves may no longer be sufficient to fend off another Donald Trump election victory.

US intelligence has been slowly evaporating away since the rise of the internet, which gave vast swathes of the population access to a choice between unlimited free knowledge, and thirty second videos of cats wearing cheap costume jewellery and dancing to Taylor Swift.

Speaking at a hastily convened press conference, top Pentagon official Sergei Petrov tried to play down concerns of a secret data free for all, stating quite convincingly, “Zis is nussing to vorry about. Ve haf ezzerysing under kontrol. Prezident Poot… I mean ov course, Prezident Biden, haha, iz getting extra doses ov Omega 3 oil and being kept from vatching Ze Kardashians to ensure his mental faculties are protekted.”

Meanwhile, US allies have been quick to react to the latest online leak by shoring up their own defences against the loss of vital national intelligence.

Story by: greengrocer

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/12019-12019/

GB news is expected to remain off the air for several months.

Guinness to be renamed “Biden”

Coinciding with the US President’s visit to Ireland, the brewers of Guinness made the surprise announcement today that their famous product is to be renamed “Biden”.

'We’d always thought that nothing symbolised Ireland quite like Guinness,' said a spokesman today. 'But we now realise that the Biden brand is far more authentically Irish than Guinness could ever be, and we’re seeking to capitalise on that.”

He admitted it was a cheap marketing ploy, 'But then so is Biden harping on about his Irish ancestry all the time, and ignoring the branch of his family that came from Sussex.

'I only wish we’d thought of it in time for St Bidey’s Day on 17th March.'

Other Irish brands were quick to follow suit, with leprechauns from now on being known as “the little Bidens”, shamrocks becoming “Bidenwort” (with the Latin name Bidenia plasticpaddyensis) and Martin McDonagh has announced that his next film will be called “The Bidens of Inishbiden”. Dublin’s Tourist Board said it had no plans to change the name to “Joe Biden City”, but only because they hadn’t thought of it.

A suggestion to rename the troubles “the Bidens” also met with broad support, on the grounds that it was Irish Americans who paid for them.

Responding to criticisms that Biden was perhaps in thrall to a clichéd version of Ireland rather than the modern country that actually exists, the White House issued a statement saying 'Bejaysus t’was a terrible business, to be sure and begorrah'.