Following the latest online leak of US intelligence, government officials fear the resultant low national IQ reserves may no longer be sufficient to fend off another Donald Trump election victory.
US intelligence has been slowly evaporating away since the rise of the internet, which gave vast swathes of the population access to a choice between unlimited free knowledge, and thirty second videos of cats wearing cheap costume jewellery and dancing to Taylor Swift.
Speaking at a hastily convened press conference, top Pentagon official Sergei Petrov tried to play down concerns of a secret data free for all, stating quite convincingly, “Zis is nussing to vorry about. Ve haf ezzerysing under kontrol. Prezident Poot… I mean ov course, Prezident Biden, haha, iz getting extra doses ov Omega 3 oil and being kept from vatching Ze Kardashians to ensure his mental faculties are protekted.”
Meanwhile, US allies have been quick to react to the latest online leak by shoring up their own defences against the loss of vital national intelligence.
Story by: greengrocer
GB news is expected to remain off the air for several months.