RFK Jr: 'Why I cancelled funds for vaccine research'

RFK Jr briefly stopped snorting massive lines of Colombia's finest to issue the following statement:

'Big Pharma has been slacking off! Big Pharma hasn’t found a way to cure of chronic left wing tendencies, which are clearly aberrant and anti-American and a threat to the natural order of things. And I’m worried that other countries, like Russia and Iran and North Korea may have already cracked this problem, and stolen a lead on the U S of A.

Why hasn’t Big Pharma been on the case? Because it’s been fooling around trying to solve problems we don’t have, like the common cold, or dementia, or arrogance, or bad driving, or obesity, or climate change, or whatever.

So I have cancelled funding for leading edge vaccines to help big pharma to focus on more pressing problems. I want Big Pharma to find a cure for left-wing tendencies and the related conditions called unexplained democratic voting syndrome (UDVS) and Trump-Scepticism. Those companies need to get their best people on that straight away. And they need to give them the best laboratories, the best offices, and the best secretaries, too. With absolutely no expectation of campaign donations in return. No, Sir!

As soon as Big Pharma has a good lead on how to cure left-wing tendencies, then this government will be piling in with billions of dollars for clinical trials, factories, marketing campaigns, and animal testing, and whatever. Yes, Siree!

And maybe then we can talk again about vaccines for Covid and measles and Ebola and stuff.'

Image: geralt - Pixabay

New obesity drug Fatibumbum announced

Pharmaceutical firm Methpusha today announced the launch of a new drug to tackle the nation’s obesity crisis.

To be marketed under the brand name Fatibumbum, though its scientific name is Greggspasti, the new drug will work in an entirely different way to competing drugs already on the market.

“In the past, we’ve concentrated on mimicking the feeling of fullness, so people will eat less,” said company spokesman Shy Gadarene. “Unfortunately, our new parent company also owns a number of fast food franchises, so they weren’t too happy about that.

“So instead we’ve focussed on a drug that makes people ignore any advice that being fat is bad for them, or in any way undesirable.

“And it’s worked. In clinical trials, subjects who were given the drug were up to 50% more likely to use phrases like ‘If you listened to everything doctors say, you’d never do anything’ or ‘What does it matter? I might get hit by a bus tomorrow’. They also showed astonishing ability to avoid mirrors, and to convince themselves that they only need quadruple extra large t-shirts because they’re made in China ‘where people are smaller’.

“Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to make the pills taste nice. But they go down easily enough if you hide them in a Big Mac.”

Asked whether it wasn’t massively irresponsible to convince people it’s OK to be overweight when all medical evidence says otherwise, the spokesman said “Well who knows, maybe we’ll come up with another drug which means you can be obese without it being bad for you. We’re already working on one that prevents fat old men who take our anti-impotence pills having heart attacks during sex. We’re just losing too many customers.”

image from pixabay

Promising new wonder-drug abandoned because its name was too easy to pronounce

Who's going to trust a drug called 'Cancer-gone', 'Alz-cure' or 'Stroke-fix'? These are obviously a con from some dodgy get-rich-quick pharmascam company. Especially if they're also affordable (just).

To carry any credibility, any real new wonder-drug has to be given an unpronounceable name - and of course also be utterly unaffordable.

So there are great hopes for recently-announced Fixanydiseasealmostinstantlywithnegligibleriskandabsolutely- nosideeffectsiscan, at £20M per dose, from the TitusScamedical corp., based in the Cayman Islands (entirely, of course, because the specific climate there is essential for this particular drug's production)

Image: Pexels - Pixabay

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