Big Pharma rush to patent water

Following a large scale publicly announced trial that has concluded drinking two litres of water a day reduces the incidence of serious illness and increases mortality rates, the biggest players from Big Pharma have been rushing to patent water or checking to see if they had already inadvertently patented it previously.

'Personally I wouldn't have released this report without redacting the word "water" or renaming it to something like "life-enlenghtenal",' said a representative from Big Pharma who handed out a business card with his name redacted. One of the largest pharmaceutical companies claims that it had already developed what the report calls "water" and had carried out extensive double blind trials with an enhanced version - provisionally labelled "bottled" against a placebo known only by it's cover name "tap". 'There were differences, however the biggest was the mark-up of "bottled" compared to "tap",' said a representative. 'Our evaluation of the results was the mark-up, of a factor of a hundred or so, was trivial, however since this report landed we realise that we could and should be charging tens of thousands of the base price, making our investment worthwhile,' he said today.

As an interim, Big Pharma has lobbied parliament to outlaw the supply of "tap" water as an unregulated drug source and is insisting that the sale of "bottled" varieties be restricted to pharmacies, preferably under prescription. Clouds are to be considered drug dealers and to be prevented from raining and lakes are to be secured by the military to prevent wild swimmers contaminating the core production factories. 'People, and fish, wee in lakes. You wouldn't take any other prescription drug knowing it had been weed or shat on, would you?' asked a representative.

'That's why our products are so expensive - it's only the NHS and the taxpayer that is shat on,' he added.

Big Pharma's Next Big Killing

A spokesperson for BGP, Big Greedy Pharma, announced today the company's next megaproject, yet another way to amass even greater mountains of money. The latest target has been revealed as a vaccine against humanity and altruism.

Mr S. Forbrains was visibly excited as he said "It's easy for big pharmaceutical companies to get complacent with profits piling up faster than Covid corpses. Already we have created a world where it's considered normal for a CEO to sack thousands of workers by SMS to save a few quid while simultaneously giving himself a 300% rise on his already huge salary. But there are still people out there who believe in things like equity, justice, humanity and even altruism. So we've been targeting the genes which generate these weaknesses and are very optimistic about current trials. The Tory Holy Grail of 'hearts of stone' may be just round the bend. This could make King Herod and Priti Patel look like bleeding-heart, snowflake liberals."

Sounding a contrary note, a spokesperson for the Conservative Party warned, "They may have grossly overestimated the market. All our members and most of our voters already have natural immunity. And because we are Conservatives, we really don't care about the rest."

Blair: Everyone will catch Covid in 45mins

The former PM and unrepentant liar has given the anti-vax movement a significant boost by promoting a fourth vaccine. Complained one scientist: 'Great, just what we needed, an endorsement by Harold Shipman'.

The snake-oil salesman insisted the fourth jab was necessary, as Saddam Hussain had caused Covid. Said one voter: 'I assume Blair has just been lobbied by big Pharma to inject us with Bill Gates' nanobots. Either that, or he'll dose us up with Rohypnol and steal our bank details.

Blair explained that he would coordinate the injections from a secluded wood. It would be administered by a nice MI5 man and we won't 'feel a thing'. And, anyway, the autopsy report would just say suicide.

“Covid? Oh, yeah, whatever happened with that?” asks mainstream media	Available now	Blanket confusion over blanket ban on blankets