Big Pharma's Next Big Killing

A spokesperson for BGP, Big Greedy Pharma, announced today the company's next megaproject, yet another way to amass even greater mountains of money. The latest target has been revealed as a vaccine against humanity and altruism.

Mr S. Forbrains was visibly excited as he said "It's easy for big pharmaceutical companies to get complacent with profits piling up faster than Covid corpses. Already we have created a world where it's considered normal for a CEO to sack thousands of workers by SMS to save a few quid while simultaneously giving himself a 300% rise on his already huge salary. But there are still people out there who believe in things like equity, justice, humanity and even altruism. So we've been targeting the genes which generate these weaknesses and are very optimistic about current trials. The Tory Holy Grail of 'hearts of stone' may be just round the bend. This could make King Herod and Priti Patel look like bleeding-heart, snowflake liberals."

Sounding a contrary note, a spokesperson for the Conservative Party warned, "They may have grossly overestimated the market. All our members and most of our voters already have natural immunity. And because we are Conservatives, we really don't care about the rest."

Blair: Everyone will catch Covid in 45mins

The former PM and unrepentant liar has given the anti-vax movement a significant boost by promoting a fourth vaccine. Complained one scientist: 'Great, just what we needed, an endorsement by Harold Shipman'.

The snake-oil salesman insisted the fourth jab was necessary, as Saddam Hussain had caused Covid. Said one voter: 'I assume Blair has just been lobbied by big Pharma to inject us with Bill Gates' nanobots. Either that, or he'll dose us up with Rohypnol and steal our bank details.

Blair explained that he would coordinate the injections from a secluded wood. It would be administered by a nice MI5 man and we won't 'feel a thing'. And, anyway, the autopsy report would just say suicide.

“Covid? Oh, yeah, whatever happened with that?” asks mainstream media	Available now	Blanket confusion over blanket ban on blankets

Could £1.795m life-saving drug have used cheaper packaging?

Questions are being asked why Novartis Gene Therapies is charging the NHS so much to save a child’s life; was it the redundant child proof cap, was it offering it in banana flavour or was it the choice to make the bottle out of Tiffany diamonds? Big pharma admitted they could have lowered the price but that would have meant limiting their shareholders to one just Learjet each.

Crystal Meth dealers have questioned the company’s ethical code. Accusations of price gouging were dismissed by the CEO ,who sent a message from his private island: ‘There are a lot of costs in developing a new drug. Not least of which was the $3.2 billion spent on marketing, to decide what font we should use. Our drug, Zolgensma, can extend life and not just for venture capitalists – the kids benefit as well. We’re definitely not skimming off the top, we’re also skimming off the bottom and middle.’

In the case of Covid development, Governments paid for the research, distribution and underwrote risk, but big pharma did take on the cost of naming their drugs ridiculous names. Novartis said they were hoping to expand out into Covid prevention, with an affordable vaccine selling at $1 for the first dose and $4,577,838 for the second.