Seven deadly bins – Sunak to save the day

Sunak was a Dick. A Private Dick – and also a Public Dick. The film noir rain lashed his office window in moody black and white. He looked at a picture of his wife and thought 'There's a dame whose share portfolio benefits from government policy'.

The red string and drawing pins all led to one place - but where? He looked at his glass of Diet Coke – his seventh of the day – and hurled it at the wall in frustration.

'Pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony and sloth. But you need all of those to be a Tory MP' he thought to himself. 'Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy and Dopey are already in the Cabinet. Seven Samurai? Seven days of the week? Seven weeks of Liz Truss as PM?'

'My god… it can't be. It's the bins! I must save the people before they have to buy insulation.'

Sunak has pledged that if he finds Gwyneth Paltrow's severed head in a box, he won't shoot Kevin Spacey, but instead he will put it in the brown organic bin that goes out on alternate Wednesdays, as long as the moon is in Aquarius. Otherwise he'd have to pay a meat tax. And without the rest of her body, Paltrow might not count as a compulsory car sharing companion.

'Why are my hands so heavy?' he wailed.

Cutting down from 7 bins? Where to throw the unused ones

After Rishi Sunak's announcement, a team of philosophers and dustmen are working on the best way to dispose of the unused bins.

A spokesman explained, 'As you know, before Sunak (BS) we had seven bins and these were used for metal, food, plastic, cardboard, clothing, government pledges and broken Brexit dreams.'

The government has released guidance suggesting that food and cardboard can be combined as by 2028 they'll be the same thing anyway, having clothing to recycle will be a distant dream, so that won't be necessary. Finally, the plastic bin should be put into itself for recycling.

Woman suspicious of Greek Chorus following her

Katie Clemson (37) has voiced concern about being stalked by a large collection of masked dancers wearing togas. 'I admit I've made one or two dubious life decisions, but does it really warrant twenty eight stanzas on why I should grow my fringe back?'

The Chorus appeared shortly after Katie had made her New Year's resolutions: 'They'd make all these snide comments about how I'd never finish dry January or fit back into my skinny jeans. They trashed talked my job, my love life, then even tutted everytime I forgot to take out the bins.'

Katie was adamant she had nothing to apologise for and she refused to get drawn into the Chorus' criticism of her choice of curtains. 'Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a mother to murder and a father to marry.'

Image: RobinHiggins | Pixabay