Spaghetti Junction now Commonwealth Games event

The Sorry-about-all-that-Empire-business (still, we can laugh about it now - right guys? Guys?) Games are poised to adopt some new demonstration sports for Birmingham 2022 including:

Spaghetti Junction - individual and relay races through the notorious motorway intersection. Points will be deducted for accidentally entering Wolverhampton. Reaching West Bromwich will result in automatic disqualification.

Match the member of the Royal Family with the correct sexual practice - a timed event involving imagination, the ability to suppress disgust and avoid tabloid censorship. Competitors should bring their own pegs.

Where's Liz Truss - a variant on Where's Wally where Liz Truss is a wally and competitors have to find her and deliver her to be interviewed by Andrew Neil.

One organiser noted 'It's no weirder than having crown green bowls.'

Image: Unsplash/Denys Nevozhai

Thomas the Tank Engine: 'Scrap HS2 white elephant madness now'

The nation's favourite tank engine, Thomas, has steamed into the HS2 controversy, slamming the proposed super railway scheme "a cash-guzzling preposterous government white elephant."

'Toot-toot,' said an incandescent Thomas. 'This shambles is possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard of. The government can deny it all they like, but if you ask me, it reeks of another Grayling cock-up. I thought Boris had binned him.'

Meanwhile, model railway enthusiast and scary loner Nigel Protheroe is offering to create a gigantic model railway showpiece in HS2's place.

Wearing a pre-Beeching 1960s Stationmaster's hat, Mr Protheroe said: 'I can set up a quite spectacular layout for no more than twenty thousand pounds in mum's garden, which, believe me, will be just as much a practical benefit to our nation as HS2.

'Look, in the highly unlikely event that I should ever wish to get from London to Birmingham half an hour sooner, then all I would do is catch a train departing thirty minutes earlier. It really is that simple.'

Something Similar	Gift idea	Something Different
​Roman opposition to HS2 found in Stoke Mandeville	in hardback and paperback	Last of the "Downing Street Image Touslers" retires

HS2 has 'no end in sight'? Surely some sort of platform would work?

The never-ending railway development, is set to last longer than re-runs of 'Friends'. Tracks continue to be laid for no other reason than they were there, a bit like Uni students at Fresher's Week.

An oversight by planners have seen the project overrun, literally, with tracks now covering three fifths of the Earth's surface. Confessed one contractor: 'We were supposed to terminate at Euston Station but instead we kept going. Currently we are somewhere near the Suez Canal and not one buffet cart in sight.

'At the other end, skipping Birmingham proved popular with our focus groups, but now we don't know where to stop. Wales is too wet and the Irish sea is...well, too wet.' Asked if she thought the project would be delayed further: 'The upside of a track that never ends, is there aren’t enough leaves to cover it’.