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Man has wife’s birthday present removed from his colon


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A man has undergone a two-hour operation to have his wife’s birthday present removed from his colon.


42-year-old Tom Titt from Twatt told us, “I knew my wife’s birthday was coming up, because I never forget important dates like that – my mum always sends a text to remind me,” said Tom, shifting uncomfortably on his doughnut cushion. “My missus says I never listen to her, but I’d heard her complaining recently that her old Hoover wasn’t picking up dog hairs anymore. I had to take her word for it that the Hoover was knackered, 'cos I’ve never used it myself. I don’t even know where she keeps it - I leave the domestic appliances to her, 'cos I don’t understand them,” explained Tom, who has a master’s degree in engineering. “I do know a hint when I hear one though, so I was sure she was trying to tell me she wanted a new vacuum cleaner for her birthday.”


Tom went on to say, “I thought she’d be delighted when she unwrapped the Dyson vacuum I bought her, but for some reason when she saw it she started yelling. Then she ripped the box open, grabbed the upholstery attachment and shoved it right up my arse! How ungrateful is that? The Dyson wasn’t cheap, either. I’m butt hurt – in every sense of the word.”


Tom’s wife Charlotte said, “Tom always buys crap presents. The Dyson isn’t actually the worst gift he’s ever bought - for my birthday last year he booked a skiing holiday at the last minute, which would have been lovely, but I was heavily pregnant at the time and couldn’t go. He went with his mate instead, and missed the birth. This year, weeks before my birthday, I started dropping hints about a Pandora bracelet I liked. I took him to the store to show him the bracelet and I kept leaving the Pandora website open on his iPad, but he obviously didn’t take the hint. When I saw he’d bought me a vacuum cleaner, all the pent-up rage from 18 years of crap presents swelled up inside me, and I completely lost it.”


Charlotte added, “Tom’s bought me some sh*t presents in the past, but to be fair this one really sucks!”




First published 8 Dec 2022


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FunkyPigeon create Mandelson/Epstein birthday card

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The card can be personalized to feature any sex island of your choice. The list of images are all incredibly tasteful- they include Peter Mandelson laughing with a sex criminal, Peter Mandelson shopping with a sex criminal or Peter Mandelson appearing on TV pretending he never met the guy.


The "my best pal" range has a Mandelson selection of Kompromat messages. It offers a variety of fonts - all of them bloody. And can be translated into English or Israeli depending on which intelligence group you are lobbying for. The cards feature best wishes with all endeavours - "I hear you are to be assassinated in prison - Get Well Soon" "I hear your recently slept with Prince Andrew- Happy 14th birthday" and the every popular "I hear you are the biggest creep in the entire world - Good Luck with new job as Ambassador to the US".


image from Google Gemini


Aunty Angela's Stamp Payment Error

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Noah Thomkinson, now aged six years and four days, was in tears yesterday when an eagerly-anticipated sixth birthday card from his Aunty Angela failed to arrive until he was already three days into his sixth year.  He is now demanding that Angela resign from her position as his Aunt, on the grounds that she has no right to remain in the post if she was unable or unwilling to face up to the responsibilities of this position.


When he examined the envelope in which his card arrived, Noah noted that it only bore a second-class stamp, not a first class stamp, which probably accounts for its late delivery.  When Noah's parents questioned Angela about this, she explained that she had sought advice from the post office clerk before she posted the card, had been assured that a second-class stamp was all that was required, and that the payment of a substantial additional amount of money for a first-class stamp was not necessary.


Angela subsequently realised that she may well have been incorrectly advised, and that the correct payment should perhaps have been for a first-class stamp.  A final, definitive and authoritative verdict on this is currently being sought from Royal Mail, although for reasons of 'family confidentiality' they might not be able to fully reveal all of their findings to the public. 


Angela has also written to Noah and apologised for any error she may have made, and it is not clear at this stage how Noah will respond.  This is being watched carefully and with bated breath by all the rest of Noah's family, by all of his young friends, the family next door, the rest of the street, other customers in the post office and (as usual, because they are - as ever - desperately short of things to report on) the local press. 


Meanwhile, Noah's parents have praised Angela and expressed their 'full confidence' in her as an aunt to Noah.

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