Cyber Monday downgraded to Analogue Wednesday

In an unprecedented move, rating agency Moody’s has downgraded the UK’s Black Friday and Cyber Monday due to a combination of rising inflation, heightened unpredictability and an acute shortage of anyone who knows what the fuck they’re doing.

Cyber Monday will now be replaced by Analogue Wednesday on 14th February 2023. Valentine’s Day will be brought forward a month and will now share 14th January 2023 with STI Awareness Day.

It’s thought that Moody’s was forced to take action after discovering that Chancellor Jeremy Hunt used a cheque post-dated for “33rd Novembruary 2052” to make a payment toward the country’s national debt.

The Government, predictably, has played down the effect that losing Black Friday could have on the country’s embattled finances.

'Black Friday is just a marketing gimmick, like affordable energy bills or a functioning NHS' said Treasury spokesman Simon Jones.

'If people are concerned that Moody’s actions mean the end of the traditional Black Friday riots, they needn’t worry. Thanks to the Government’s expert mishandling of the economy, we’re going to have more civil unrest than you can shake a stick at. A big, pointy stick that’s been wrapped in barbed wire and has nails sticking out of it.'

Despite his bullish remarks, Mr Jones refused to comment on speculation that next year’s Black Friday could be demoted to Brown Tuesday or, even worse, Musk Sunday.

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Black Friday flat-screen TV buyer killed by single sword thrust

A 54-year-old Black Friday bargain hunter was killed by a fellow shopper in Curry's electrical goods store in Oxford Street, central London yesterday after a confrontation over a 43-inch flat-screen TV set.

Vic Digence, from Mare Street in Hackney, was killed by a single sword thrust to the chest from a man who, according to witnesses, became incensed when he saw the victim making off with the heavily discounted item and heading to the checkout.

One female bystander, Tracy Carter, 32, from Stratford, East London, told us: "I heard voices being raised and turned to see this bloke stabbing another man with a sword.

'He was well furious and was calling this poor bloke all the names under the sun.

'I can only assume he had his eye on that telly and lost the plot when he saw this other bloke walking off with it.

'He then pulled his sword out of the fella's chest, picked up the telly and walked over to the checkout to pay, as calm as you like.

'I said to my friend that it was a bit over the top. I mean, we all like a bargain and I've had the odd up-and-a-downer myself over a cheap item but surely a punch in the face would have been more than enough'

The police have named the assailant as Toby Dell, 42, from Brushfield Street, Whitechapel, who was recently released from a secure unit where he had served 25-years for nailing a woman to a display unit following a dispute over some cut-price pillowcases at the Selfridges January sale in 1996.

image from pixabay

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