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    • Danny Soz
      • Nov 29, 2021
      • 1 min read

    Black Friday flat-screen TV buyer killed by single sword thrust


    A 54-year-old Black Friday bargain hunter was killed by a fellow shopper in Curry's electrical goods store in Oxford Street, central London yesterday after a confrontation over a 43-inch flat-screen TV set.


    Vic Digence, from Mare Street in Hackney, was killed by a single sword thrust to the chest from a man who, according to witnesses, became incensed when he saw the victim making off with the heavily discounted item and heading to the checkout.


    One female bystander, Tracy Carter, 32, from Stratford, East London, told us: "I heard voices being raised and turned to see this bloke stabbing another man with a sword.


    'He was well furious and was calling this poor bloke all the names under the sun.


    'I can only assume he had his eye on that telly and lost the plot when he saw this other bloke walking off with it.


    'He then pulled his sword out of the fella's chest, picked up the telly and walked over to the checkout to pay, as calm as you like.


    'I said to my friend that it was a bit over the top. I mean, we all like a bargain and I've had the odd up-and-a-downer myself over a cheap item but surely a punch in the face would have been more than enough'


    The police have named the assailant as Toby Dell, 42, from Brushfield Street, Whitechapel, who was recently released from a secure unit where he had served 25-years for nailing a woman to a display unit following a dispute over some cut-price pillowcases at the Selfridges January sale in 1996.


    image from pixabay


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    • Wrenfoe
      • Nov 26, 2021
      • 1 min read

    NHS added to Black Friday Sale

    Updated: Jan 11



    Excited patients are expected to queue all night for the sale, which will prepare them for future queues to see a GP. Richard Branson is said to be looking forward a cut price NHS, given he already offers 90% off all morals and ethics.


    The NHS will be sold by Amazon under the Health category, alongside nutrient bars and vibrating eggs. If you are out, the delivery service will throw an entire operating theatre into your neighbour's garden.


    Those who clapped for the NHS will get a 10% discount coupon, at the checkout. But only Amazon Prime members will be able to access future surgeries, under their 'Prime Cuts' package.


    Two years ago Jeremy Corbyn predicted this sale but he also said there would be 75% off the new iPhone - so you win some, you lose some. Meanwhile, the Government insisted that if the sale did not go ahead: 'there was always Ebay'.


    image from pixabay


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    • stewartbarclay
      • Nov 25, 2021
      • 1 min read

    Boris Johnson heavily discounted in Black Friday sale



    Conservative Central Office has announced its Black Friday sales are now on, with government access, laws, Lordships and Boris Johnson all up for sale.


    A Tory grandee spluttered: ‘Obviously Boris is depreciating, but we think he could still do a job in the private sector. Maybe as Telegraph columnist or a right-wing children’s clown? If you buy him you might get buyer’s remorse though – he’s still referring to it as Piccaninny Friday.’


    Several Tory MPs were recently forced to leave their glamorous Winter Ball fundraiser to vote through a cap on social care that would ensure only poor people lose their homes. An unnamed Tory MP said ‘I love capping welfare spending, especially when it keeps the oiks in their place, but it’s rude to interrupt my schmoozing. I take my donations in Cayman Islands dollars. Cox has ruined the Virgins.’


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