Cluedo Withdrawn as Weapon Pieces Used in Real Murder

Toy store shelves across the world were today being emptied of all versions of the classic Cluedo murder mystery board game after a pensioner was brutally murdered by someone armed with 4 of the "murder weapon" pieces in the game.

73 year-old James Perbright was found beaten by the lead pipe, strung up by his fingers with several of the miniature ropes, stabbed in both eyes with the dagger, and had the candle stick wedged in his throat. The culprit has not been found but police have ruled out the local vicar, the maid, and the university Professor living next door.

Waddingtons immediately reacted to the disturbing incident by recalling all games both in the shops and those already sold to prevent a repeat. "No one envisaged that such small things could be as deadly as if they were full-size," said a company spokesman.

Police are using the clue that at least five games may have been bought at once to obtain the ropes needed for both hands as a line of enquiry.

Meanwhile, MB, Mattel and Waddingtons are looking into other board games to establish if similar risks exist anywhere else in their ranges.

Rumours that a cartel of people traffickers have been using the Operation board game accessories to take out migrants' organs for sale have not yet been disproven by investigators.

Photo: Newsbiscuit Archive

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Games Night at the White House

The Trump team posted a picture of the big orange man baby playing Uno and 'holding all the cards'. As you win at Uno by getting rid of all your cards, this suggests that Donald may play Uno according to his own unique and made-up rules.

But he doesn't just play Uno! He plays lots of games and makes up his own rules to all of them. Here's a quick rundown...

Monopoly - on your first go, the Trump tactic is to borrow everything you need from the Bank of Sevastopol and buy everyone out. You win! For a quicker game, just confiscate all the Monopoly sets until you have a Monopoly monopoly.

Risk - attack everywhere - except Russia and China, obviously - and refuse to accept defeat even after you've obviously lost. When you have nothing left, you win by declaring 'mission accomplished'.

Old Maid - this is the only game where Melania is allowed to win, even though Donald only plays small hands.

Buckeroo - the winner is the person who gets the most things when the horse bucks.

Mousetrap - win the game by demolishing everything on the east side of the board. Donald likes this game because the movements distract everyone and make them think that something useful is happening. It isn't.

Russian roulette - always go last, after everyone else has had a good go at it.

Cowboys and Indians - always choose cowboy and get ICE in to sort out the Indians.

Russian Cluedo - the candlestick and the rope are by Novichok and a window.

Russian Monopoly - played on the London board. The winning player is the one who acquires all the properties.

Chess - Donald plays with very big pieces and his opponents play with small pieces. His king can move wherever it wants. Queens aren't allowed. Bishops must remain silent. Win by jumping over all your opponents pieces and going off in a huff.

Pictionary - You've seen Donald's handwriting. What makes you think he's ever going to play Pictionary? He played once, with Epstein, but his drawing of a woman's body and accompanying message didn't impress.

Obama Llama - to win, set fire to the box and jump up and down on it

Exploding kittens - Donald's favourite game, which he insists on playing with real kittens.

Cluedo - it's always Mr Orange in the Ballroom with an infeasibly large marker pen

Image: Doerge - Pixabay

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Government bans jigsaws

Journalists have noticed a new measure that didn’t make it into Rachel Reeve’s Spring Statement speech today.  In the small print of the accompanying documents, that only the accountants and tax lawyers read, there is a dramatic new initiative to ban jigsaws.

Jigsaws – basically cut up pictures that you have to reassemble – will be banned for everyone between 16 and state pension age, which currently 66 - at least for a few more weeks. The government describes the new ban as a bold move to address economic inactivity. In other words, too many people of working age are spending too much time trying to complete 5,000 piece jigsaws of baked beans, or kittens, or thatched cottages.

‘The economic impact is huge,’ said a spokesman.  ‘The time wasted on doing jigsaws is the equivalent to 2.355% of GDP.’  Everyone listening mentally added ‘FACT’ to the end of that sentence.  ‘Banning the sale of new and used jigsaws to people of working age is estimated to increase the numbers in employment by 2.344%, which would be welcome news to Mondeo Man, the Just-About-Managing group and hard-working Britons.

‘Exemptions will be allowed for children’s jigsaws that do not exceed 100 pieces, and for tourist jigsaws.  A tourist jigsaw must have a picture of an important British figure (yes to Churchill, Starmer, Thatcher, Robert Peel, Isaac Newton, no to Noel Gallagher, Jimmy Saville, Mr Blobby, Fred West, Yaxley-Lennon), or a British Landmark (yes to Stonehenge, the Cenotaph, Heathrow, Felixstowe Docks, the M25, no to the Bibby Stockholm, the encampment at Greenham Common, the felled Sycamore Gap tree, turds on the beach).  In addition, a tourist jigsaw must be made from recycled cardboard, have a union flag on the box, and be priced at £49.95 or more.

Charity shops estimate that not being able to sell jigsaws will cost them around 2.322% of turnover, and have asked the government for extra money to fill the gap.

The spokesman concluded by saying that ‘this government will take the tough decisions necessary to get the economy back on its feet and to boost growth.  It’s a long process.  We’re fighting Britain’s corner, and we’re taking it one piece at a time.’

Photo by Ryoji Iwata on Unsplash