'Let the Bodies Pile High... in my boudoir, baby! Fwoarrrrr.'

As the world waits with bated breath for the release of Boris Johnson’s memoir, hailed as the greatest literary event since 'Spare', The Bible or Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, speculation mounts as to what the title will be. 'Let the Bodies Pile High' remains a firm favourite with Paddy Power. Here are the remaining top 10 contenders.

1. I

2. Me

3. I & Me

4. I, Me & Myself

5. Fwoarrrrr, Crikey!

6. Keep On Buggering You

7. This Much I Don’t Know

8. Windswept & Interesting

9. Boris's Adventures in Borisland

10. Down and Out in Antigua and Fiji

Johnson’s publishers are confident his book will outsell ‘Oops! - The life and times of Liz Truss' and Steve Barclay’s much anticipated NHS memoir ‘Goodbye to All That’, whicwill hit the shelves in February.

Images: succo | Pixabay

Bidding war erupts for Boris Johnson’s memoirs to be kept under wraps

A bidding war between publishers, media companies and Tory donors to keep Boris Johnson’s memoirs under wraps has begun, and the asking price is sky rocketing.

Boris has already drafted seven volumes of the series, provisionally titled The Truth Never Lies, during quiet moments at Number 10. He is reported to have ghost writers working towards a full twenty volume box set. The memoirs will reveal Boris’s innermost thoughts, if any, during a series of astonishing scandals and crises that rocked the nation. Aides say that the memoirs will reveal the absolute, real and properly evidenced truth about everything - without embellishment, self-aggrandisement, or accuracy.

The involvement of US based streaming services has pushed up the price for the rights. One company said that audiences for a dramatisation could outstrip those for The Crown and quipped that the series could be called The Clown. Channel 4 has announced that it is withdrawing from the race, noting, ironically, that they can’t even afford to find out how they got shafted.

At this stage, it seems likely that a cabal of Tory donors will outbid all of the publishing houses and media companies. They have tabled an eight figure bid (ten figures if you include the pence), reasoning that this is a small price to pay to avoid a long series of painful revelations as each new volume is published. One said that although it was tempting to use the money to just bribe the voters, it was clearly more effective to buy the rights, bury the memoirs forever, and stop the whole idiotic charade from coming to light.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/lukasbieri-4664461/

Infinite number of monkeys fail to secure second book deal

Their agent said: 'The was a lot of initial excitement over their first publication, but that soon died down, once everyone realised the Complete Works of Shakespeare had already been done. The following book tour was criticised as being a disorderly mess, like a chimps' tea party - which is a bit harsh on the Mandrills in the group'.

One disillusioned monkey remarked: 'It took a while to get the creative juices flowing but once we discovered Grammarly we really kicked on. It make take an infinite number of years to write Hamlet but by the end of the first ten minutes we'd written everything by EL James and the last season of Game of Thrones.

'I'd go back to hurling faeces, but I hear Dan Brown's already done that'.

image from pixabay