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Oompa loompa doompety dest

We've got a thing to get off our chest

Oompa loompa doompety day

Though we are small, we've something to say


What do you get when you rewrite old books?

Twitter pile on and cynical looks

Causing a fuss over gender and sex

Wont change the meaning of those texts


Oompa loompa doompety dat

People go bald and are ugly and fat

If you're a writer, take this advice

Stories are best when they're not at all nice


You say that it's bad cos the story's unfair

Tweak the odd word, add a bit here and there

We have to abide by the critical folk

But you don't like it when they say you're 'woke'


Oompa loompa doompety dime

Cancelling's good when it's Amazon Prime

But implications are vast

When you try to censor the past


Stories reflect all the faults of their time

Stop us from thinking that things were are all fine

Didn't you spot when you made us all white

Loompas are less than half your height?


Oompa loompa doompety dune

Learn from the words of this cautionary tune

Cancel culture will go its way too

As the Oompa Loompas surely will do





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To avoid giving offence, Roald Legume-Stew’s books have been sensitively edited for modern times. Here is a complete list of those cleansed thus far:


James and the Large Botanical Product That Self Identifies as a Peach

Charlie and the Nutritional Ingredient Manufacturing Facility

Fairly Typical Mr/Mrs/Ms/Mx Fox

The EGEP (enormous genial enormous person)

George’s Marvellous Untested Nutritional Supplement

Danny The Citizen of The World

The Wonderful Story of Henry Nutritional Supplement




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The book world was rocked to its very foundations today as a new study claimed avuncular Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, and Middle Earth’s uber-wizard Gandalf, are in fact one and the same person, posing the prickly question - wouldn’t just one of them been perfectly adequate to symbolise the ultimate force for good against evil in both series of the blockbusting sagas?


The study comes following an exhaustive three-year examination of all known texts of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings.


Professor Rachel Saunders who led the project told journalists: ‘Dumbledore and Gandalf are the same person. Of that there is no doubt in my mind whatsoever. The facts are there. Both have long hair and big bushy beards. Both dress in robes, and quite crucially in the team’s view, both wear funny hats. I mean come on. Have you ever seen them together in the same room? Well exactly, there you are then.’


JRR Tolkien was unavailable for comment but sources close to Harry Potter author, JK Rowling, said that the claim as "pure and unadulterated rubbish. This is a preposterous suggestion. Dumbledore is the Headmaster of a fictional witchcraft and wizarding school, whereas everyone knows Gandalf is the lead singer of The Boomtown Rats.’


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