BBC edit out PM being booed so that Nadine Dorries doesn't seem so f*cking useless

In a move tantamount! to deep faking it, the BBC (now pronounced Vuh Vuh Suh) will be removing all of the boos, jeers and shouts of 'wanker' everywhere Boris Johnson turns up.

Tim Davie, Dictator General of the VVS and Other Propaganda clarified, 'Everyone knows 'King Boris' is universally loved and admired. All newsroom reporters, researchers and production staff have been fired and rehired as Photoshop monkeys. They will doctor all photographic images and video footage of Boris to ensure he has smart hair, glistening muscles and a basic command of his faculties.

'Most importantly, we can't allow the proletariat to remain uncertain as to the veracity of commandments made by Her Royal Shyness Nadine Dorries. In future, all things will be re-cut and broadcast to reflect the unimpeachable truth of the Dorries Accuracy Machine.

'To that end, Eminem will be remastered over the top of her hiphop-rap-casts, and Channel 4 will become a wholly owned subsidiary of a 96% privatised BBC 4 which 53% of people believe is a chatty bidet called Lola.'

Photo by Rich Smith on Unsplash

Nation stunned: "Johnson has an ethics advisor?"

Britain is reeling to the shock news that Boris Johnson has an ethics advisor.

David Icke, paused during a book signing of "Prince Phillip was a Wizard the Queen is a Lizard" explained it. "I could believe 5G causes baldness, Prince Andrew is an alien or Australia is a hoax, but this. Someone tells me Boris Johnson has advice on ethics and I'm not having it."

The Ethics advisor himself, Lord Christopher Geidt, is modest about his position. "It's actually a fairly easy job; I simply send the same memo every day which says - 'Whatever you're thinking of doing, do the opposite.' It's not my fault that he ignores it."

Mr Johnson when asked about his ethics advisor replied; "Actually, I know where Essex is - I want to build an airport on top of it."

Fall Stack Ethics - Free image on Pixabay

Dorries demands Mumsnet gets privatised

Nadine Dorries is said to be fuming after an interviewer for the website Mumsnet was insufficiently deferential to Dorries’ boyfriend Boris Johnson. Dorries insisted Mumsnet hadn’t done itself any favours and that many people had her Mumsnet password. She also said Mumsnet needed to free itself of government subsidies. Even though it doesn’t get any, 96% of Nadine Dorries believes that it does.

A similar proportion of Tory MPs are raised by nannies and introduced to their mums (or ‘maters’) at a formal luncheon, not long after they reach the age of 8. On the same day, they receive a tub of Brylcreem and a firm handshake from their father, before being sent to boarding school for a daily thrashing.

Johnson later confided to advisors he agreed to the interview to meet MILFs.

Private Background Wood - Free photo on Pixabay