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Verily, 'tis a melancholy tale I bear, of a scribe delayed in his task so fair.


This wordsmith, once nimble of hand and of wit, now finds himself stuck in a pit.

A pit of procrastination, of doubt, and of fear, that hath rendered his quill ever still and near.


His subject, a matter of great import, with tales to be told that should be in sport.

Yet, he doth suffer a delay most absurd, with the dawn of each day bringing not a single word.


His mind is a jumble of thoughts, all astray, and his heart a maelstrom of worry and dismay.

He hath lost his rhythm, his muses gone mute, and with each day that passes, his book doth refute.


He doth curse the fates, that have so cruel a twist, that hath left him stranded, with nary a script.

And so, with a sigh and a shake of the head, he doth confess that his book is not yet read.


But perchance, he shall find his way clear, and with a burst of inspiration, his tale shall appear.

For such is the way of the bard, and the scribe, that their works, in the end, shall forever abide



First published 14 Feb 2023


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The Prime Minister is described as being too busy to make an apology for his Jimmy Savile statement directed at Keir Starmer. Whilst an apology would take at least 10 minutes (even for Boris) to assemble, a ’senior source’ has ‘advised’ that he ‘has got other stuff to get on with today’.


These include:-


Practising hitting a cow’s arse with a banjo


Practising tucking his shirt in properly (a long-term goal)


Practising a remorseful / contrite look in the mirror whilst simultaneously trying not to laugh


Preparing to prosecute journalists showing insufficient respect for Carrie Johnson


Setting up a top-level inquiry as to why bears are polluting the woods


Calling a COBRA meeting to determine what stuff is too sensitive or difficult to get on with.


Chugging in Whitehall to raise funds for new 11 Downing Street decorations (subject to availability of protection teams)


The spokesman added he will definitely NOT be practising the guitar chords to Nirvana’s ‘All apologies’


First published 10 Feb 2022



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A man with a complete lack of spine has been able to run the country, thanks donations from his privileged backers. It is the first time someone who has had a complete lack of any moral standards been able to rule the UK freely. It has improved his health so much that he has been able to become a father again, twice.


Boris Johnson was desensitised after years at Eton and Cambridge - and he has no feeling at all. But he can now party almost every night with no repercussions, despite the country going to rack and ruin. Someone this damaged should never have been allowed to rise to power.


The researchers stress the only real cure is a general election, but it is still too complicated to be used in everyday life, but hail it nonetheless as a major step to improving quality of life.



First published 8 Feb 2022



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