Starmer accepts magic ring from Sauron

The PM's office explained: 'It's a gift. At no point did the Dark Lord say he expected anything in exchange, other than Keir's eternal soul. The Prime Minister is under no obligation, other than to chase hobbits all over Middle Earth.

'Everything was declared in the appendices to The Silmarillion. Being a Ring Wraith will not prevent his work as PM, if anything it makes him more likeable.' Sadly this is true, as Starmer's popularity is lower than Rings of Power Season 2. He insisted it was not a bribe, but was not helped by referring to the ring as 'my precious'. Friends have said he should avoid the appearance of sleaze by casting the Ring into the Cracks of Doom, or as Tolkien called it, 'Boris Johnson's arse'.

image from pixabay

Larry the Cat Said to Oppose New Downing Street Kitten

Reports that Prime Minister Keir Starmer is bringing a new kitten into 10 Downing Street are not sitting well with lifelong resident Larry the Cat. A cat close to Larry, who requested anonymity to discuss the sensitive matter, said Larry fears that ‘there are simply not enough mice to go around for two cats in No 10.’ The source said that ‘Larry is disappointed that Sir Keir did not even bother to consult him before deciding to bring in the kitten.’

Sources with the Prime Minister’s office dispute this assertion, stating that the kitten’s acquisition ‘followed all applicable feline procurement recommendations contained in the Garfield report.’ That report was issued in the wake of former Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s ill-starred attempts to hire the irascible animated orange cat as a government press representative.

Nevertheless, according to the cat who requested anonymity, ‘Larry really misses Boris; he left empty pizza boxes strewn all over the place, which drew lots of tasty vermin.’ The source hastened to add that Larry was referring to mice and rats, not Dominic Cummings.

Controversially, according to the source, Larry’s hostility to kittens appears to range beyond simple competition for food. ‘Larry believes that kittens are little criminals who will chew up anything not covered in plastic,’ the source said. A representative of the British Kitten Society rejected this claim, characterizing Larry as ‘nothing more than an old cat meowing at clouds.’

Starmer’s new kitten did not return calls and texts seeking comment.

Image: guvo59 - Pixabay

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Canadian-Iranian Uranium too difficult to say to be investigated, insists Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson has entangled himself in such a shady scam that former KGB oligarchs who hold bunga bunga underage sex parties for convicted presidents are distancing themselves from him.

'I wouldn't touch him with your ten-foot barge pole,' confirmed Tupolev Onatopp, a world-leading supplier of arms to despots and weapons of mass destruction to children. 'If you think you can get away with something just because you can't say it yourself, then that is somewhat shallow. Boris Johnson has trouble saying pretty much anything in his own first language, so his argument isn't going to pull the woolly mop over anyone's eyes but his own.

'Although people refer to his new organisation as Better Earth, its full official title is Better Earth For Boris Johnson. Clearly there is nothing wrong with providing Iran with uranium, but because he denies ever having met his Canadian-Iranian business partner and top chum, that just makes the whole thing a bit more suspicious. It's your classic Eton schoolboy error. And he does have form screwing things up in Iran just by opening his flappy lie hole.

'A hot young bit of totty everyone knows you installed in the UK House of Lords also being involved in your personal business dealings is the hallmark move of your committed incompetent. What's he going to do next? Gift my firstborn another life peerage to win me over? There simply aren't enough over-sized fridges in the world for this idiot to hide in.

'I did once admire his personal loyalty to filthy Russian money. But incompetence coagulates with incompetence. At least the total f*ck up that is Steve Bannon is not involved in this fiasco. What's that, Sergei? Oh. OK. Sergei says I should retract that statement.

'When you've got yourself involved in a shell company within a shell company within a shell company, all owned by undisclosed offshore entities around the world, then that's obviously a post political career payoff mechanism to launder your dirty in-office dealings. One imagines he'll be calling his old pal David Cameron for advice on how to pull out of sticky situations.'

Image: ELG21 - Pixabay

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