Starmer to crush criminal gangs, starting with his Cabinet

Much to his surprise, the new PM has discovered most criminal activity happens within an one mile radius of No.10. Explained one police officer: 'If you want a deviant or an embezler, just visit the House of Commons tea rooms.'

Bribery and corruption are standard, although Ministers have the good grace to make it tax deductible. Frustratingly for Starmer the courts are at breaking point, but he has had the genius idea to ennoble the worst offenders and use the Lords as a low-security prison.

Thanks to tip offs from Sir Keir, Interpol are on the look out for a notorious fraudster, with links to sex trafficking and war crimes. In other news Peter Mandelson has fled to Uruguay.

Image: Pixabay/paul Bloch

Tories refuse to be in opposition

The Conservative Party’s last attempt to blackmail voters is to refuse to act in opposition to a Labour government.

A spokesman said, ‘Being in opposition is hard work, thankless and boring.  There are no perks in opposition, little chance of bungs from interest groups, and relatively few opportunities to make money on the side with betting.   So we are warning voters that we absolutely won’t bother to oppose anything a Labour government wants to do.  Of course, we will vote against them in the House, but don’t expect us to explain how their plans could be better, or to propose alternative options.

'Be warned!  You’ll get every boring thing in the dull old Labour manifesto – and more.   You will get surprises on spending cuts, surprises on spending plans and surprises on tax.   And we won’t oppose any of it.   Our view will be that you – voters – are getting what you asked for, and everything that you deserve.

'The Tory party will be officially on furlough, on leave, on holiday and on a break. We’ll be having a whale of a time with recriminations, the blame game, not right enough, not centre enough, not truthful enough, not lying enough.   Rishi will be "knifed".   Hopefully Gove will be around to do that for us.  Then we’ll be having a long and drawn out leadership challenge.  Boris and Liz will make a lot of pointless noise as they try to come back.   Other people you’ve never heard of will be making their leadership pitch.  

'Tory grandees who lost their seats will be moaning and bitching, and writing tedious articles in the papers about how you voters got it all so wrong.  After all that, we’ll have a long and drawn out process of thinking about a merger with nutters from other parties (I can’t say which ones).  Then we’ll have some more time off.  We won’t have any time to say anything sensible about government plans.

'We’ll be doubling down on all the policies you hated.   Revenge is a dish best served cold.   We’ll be serving up the same cold and watery policies at the next election.  That will save us wasting ltime thinking up new policies.  You’ll come round eventually.   Might be five years.   Might be ten.  Might be fifteen or twenty.  Think about that.

'So, voters, remember this. A vote for Labour is a vote for Labour.  And if, as a result, anything happens that you don’t like, then TOUGH.   We can’t help you and we strongly believe it’s our duty not to help you. The Lord helps those who help themselves, and Lord knows, we’ve helped ourselves.

Toodle-oo!'

Keir patiently waited for Boris to fall