Superdrug ‘surprised’ to find they’ve been selling hospitals

Following new official guidance that any First Aid kit in a sealable box can be defined as a “hospital”, executives at Superdrug, Boots and other high street pharmacies have belatedly realised that they have been selling hospitals all along.

‘Our value range first aid kits are fairly basic’, a spokesman said, ‘but it turns out that two triangular bandages, some savlon and a packet of sticking plasters is actually categorised as a 400 bed hospital. Who knew?’

Sarah is a volunteer with St John Ambulance Brigade. She spends her weekends at football matches and village fetes. ‘It was a complete surprise to discover that our hut is now one of the Government’s 40 new hospitals. I’m quite proud actually’.

Ministers have reacted angrily to claims that Boris Johnson lied about the 40 new hospitals. Anger is what they have instead of shame.

Conservative MP Geoffrey Buffington-Buffington Smythe told NewsBiscuit: ‘This government is delivering. We’ve delivered 40 new hospitals, we’ve delivered Brexit, we’ve delivered massive cheques to . . . sorry, not that . . . we’ve delivered, erm, 40 new hospitals and a scout hut. Sorry, 40 new hospitals including a scout hut’.

Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment as he’s abroad. Or with a broad, the writing isn’t very clear. Either way, he isn’t where he should be. And nor are the 40 hospitals we were promised.

Image: unsplash/Patrick Tomasso

Boris Johnson defies the physics of laws as his own defence team find him guilty

The gravity of the situation could not be more galacticly tittersome as the physics of laws bend around the most incompetent thing in the universe.

Former prime ministerial duty shirker, layabout, and world-beating coward, Boris Johnson, thought he was playing another blinder of a swindle by still getting the UK taxpayer to fund his legal team. Overpaid, overworked, and now over there on the side of the prosecution... What? Eh?

The way it is supposed to work, is that you do whatever the hell you want, pay off some chaps in wigs or something to clean up all of your messes for you, totally get away with it, and jolly well carry on carrying on. That's the way it has always worked, and that's the way it was always designed to be. Even went to the lengths of ensuring those pesky meddling Europeans couldn't interfere with their heinous laws of reasonable fairness. And into the con, you get to patriotically shaft the people of Britain seven ways from Uxbridge.

Roger de Badger, a legal eagle on Johnson's crack law team sighed, 'Well he's just too guilty of too much stuff, if you'll pardon the plain English. We're supposed to be bound to protect him and serve his interests, but the magnitude of his illegality folds back in on itself. Not so much a party event, as a party event horizon - even if one only focuses on the relativity of his low-scale misdemeanours. We've never before encountered this third kind of justice warping.

'The totality of his implosion created a black hole of the indefensible, and it's forced a rather unique singularity to occur where there was no way to prevent him from sucking himself under his own party bus.'

image:unsplash/James Van den wouwer

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Eager anticipation for Tory-Ladybird Books collaboration

The move came following the Home Speedetary’s bravura recent Commons Jackanory mashup: ‘Stella was speeding. Stella has been coached to try and look remorseful. Can you spot the Very Careful Wording Stella is parroting? Let’s repeat that together. And again, children. Oh look: Stella’s publicly-funded legal advisors are clapping!’.

Targeting the glue-eared portion of the populace as likely to believe in Tory integrity and decency as dragons and fairies, the collaboration is being seen as vital for providing a basic Pimm’s and basement extension level of income once donors drop away after January 2025-ish, while also maximising the ten years required to condition a new generation of blindly credulous X-scratchers.

Determined to capitalize on the two Christmases before then, when squeezed parents will be looking for cheaper present alternatives to coal or hope, upcoming titles already announced include. ‘Suella’s Speeding Adventure’, ‘Penny’s Speeding Adventure’, ‘Robert’s Speeding Adventure’ and ‘Tom’s Telephone Swervy Fast-Lane Fun’.

Eschewing his habitual routine of spewing patronising pseudo-archaic obfuscating froth, Boris Johnson is dumbing-up to spew patronising pseudo-nursery obfuscating froth, with titles including: ‘Five Go Wild At Chequers’, ‘The Big Fun Bus to Make Believe’ and, simply: ‘Paaaaaartaaaay!’ under the pseudonym ‘Double-Digit Daddy Don’t-Care’.

Children will be supported in spelling and sounding-out everyday words, like dither, delay, whitewash and chumocracy, with Penguin forced to ditch tricksier ones such as honest, open, kind, and law-abiding.

‘Pre-orders are.. steady,’ said an unsettlingly pastel dungaree-clad Michael Gove, currently Minister Without Portfolio, But With Haribo, Kiddies! ‘Mind you, with Boris nobly knuckling down to his responsibilities, a healthy snot-nosed audience is assured for years to come.’

Image:Pixabay/sarahlarkin

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