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They think it’s been legalised... it has now



Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst has been incredibly busy, collating the list of illegal things Boris Johnson has done, so that they can all be legalised.


'It's been hard work, but nowhere near as Torylicious as discussing with the PM the crimes he will commit in the future so we can legalise them ahead of time. It's like a reverse "Minority Report". Let me tell you, he has some wide ranging criminal appetites, some of them eye-wateringly sexual. I had to Google some of it, so I’m probably on a register now. I’ve been pulling all-nighters and occasionally vomiting on the walls, but not because of the booze this time.'


It is now illegal to be Keir Starmer whilst the only form of photo ID now acceptable for voting is a Conservative Party membership card. Burglary is legal if your MP is Labour whilst in Tory constituencies you can get various household items absolutely free, albeit second hand and with no receipts. Liberal Democrats can now be hunted with hounds, whilst an invasion of Scotland gets the green light, though to save money this will consist of seizing the - already English - town of Berwick-upon-Tweed and declaring total victory.


BoJo meanwhile has been preparing for the next Downing Street karaoke bash, busting out some Rasta sounds to perform a raunchy version of Shaggy's 'It wasn't me'. Hootington-Hurst noted 'His Jamaican lilt is, if anything, more racist than you imagine.'



First published 1 June 2022



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PM's integrity level "now a negative number"



A spokesman for the British Institute for Quantifying Everything has announced that Boris Johnson's Integrity Quotient has now dropped below zero. "This is astonishing" exclaimed Dr. Phil Norrell, specialist in IQ calculations, "We had always assumed that when this level reached zero the individual would be inherently untrustworthy and ultimately scorned by society. However, it now seems that once below zero, the individual exudes a sort of parasitic affect on the Integrity of any other individual in the vicinity. Fascinating - almost as if feeds on the honesty of others, and taints by association".


Prolonged exposure to this field could result in a permanent integrity erosion with no hope of recovery. Dr. Norrell is now concerned whether this effect can be intensified by physical contact with the PM in a sort of inverse 'Royal Touch' effect.


"Luckily, natural revulsion should protect a large proportion of the populace" confided Dr. Norrell. It is believed that the PM has been in this state for many years, but it has been masked by the company he keeps, many of whom also exhibit symptoms of this condition. "All the parasitic behaviour in the group just cancelled itself out"


First published 31 May 2022



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PM dumbs down ministerial code to make it more comprehensible to himself



The Prime Minister has removed the words "honesty, integrity, transparency and accountability" from the ministerial code, it has been revealed.


'Boris just doesn't understand what these words mean', said a source close to the PM. 'His face just goes blank whenever they're mentioned'.


An aide is said to have attempted to help him understand, but was asked by the PM to only use single syllable words if at all possible as his head was starting to hurt.


First published 28 May 2022



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