Dominic Cummings’ swearbox to become a bank

Some good news at last from the Covid Inquiry, when we learned that the swearbox next to Dominic Cummings’ desk has accumulated a whopping £257 billion, mostly in 50p pieces. Plans to float the swearbox as a High Street bank had to be abandoned when Michelle Mone appropriated the money ‘to help with nautical expenses’.

Cummings’ messages to colleagues were littered with technical terms such as ‘useless f*ckpigs’ and ‘Jaws mode w*nk’, generated by an A.I. Malcolm Tucker Emulator which the Cabinet Office is believed to have bought from Infosys for £27 trillion.

The Dominic Cummings spin-off of The Thick Of It, working title -Thick and Thicker – failed to get the greenlight for a second season due to adverse viewer response – a quarter of a million of them died, you can’t get much more adverse than that.

Cummings gave his testimony dressed as pantomime villain Jafar from Aladdin, a deceptive, manipulative and malicious advisor influencing a bumbling, ineffective monarch.

A committee member asked if he was still behind Boris Johnson, Prime Minister during the Pandemic. Cummings replied, 'He's behind me?' and comically turned around searching for the erstwhile Johnson. The same committee member, as if on cue, asked if Johnson was truly in control of day to day operations during the crisis. Cummings - inevitably - retorted 'Oh no, he f*&%ing wasn't!'.

Image: juliaf Photos | FreeImages

H/T: @simonjjames

New Saturday night screaming contest promises to draw BBC audience away

Boris Johnson has said he intends to use his influence at GB News along with his knowledge of the classics to convince the channel it could compete with the BBC on Saturday nights with something more exciting than the poor attempts at singing and ballroom dancing the nation has suffered from for decades.

'Boris' Bully XL Gladiator Contest will help level up the country' a spokesperson told Newsbiscuit. 'Boris says children from deprived areas in the north will be able to chance their luck in fights to the death with ferocious Bully XL dogs, armed only with the plastic spoons they had in their mouths when they were born and their challenge will be to use the navigational skills they learned when they realised the north side of their town faced east, and the east was facing south to outwit the dog, who will be equipped with a standard compass.

Jacob Rees-Mogg backed Mr Johnson’s idea, with a spokesbutler saying 'The thing that’s been holding the north back, is the lack of opportunity for children to demonstrate their heroic capabilities in the way brave Sir Jacob was able to. Providing GB News broadcasts this before Nanny puts him to bed, he will definitely be watching it and cheering on the northern brats.'

GB News say they will promote the show through an advert on the side of a bus.

Image: stablediffusionweb.com/

Boris Johnson joins GB News to front Brexit lullaby hour

Boris Johnson has lurched into sight again by announcing he will be joining the GB News lineup. What is more interesting is the show he will be fronting: The Brexit Lullaby Hour.

The show has been described as “A warm bath of reassurance and mutual Brexit appreciation”. Shouting the show, Mr Johnson will go through the “many” Brexit advantages we have gained since leaving the European Union. He will also have an ASMR section where he will whisper, in his unique pound shop Churchill tones, various platitudes such as “soon we will be at the sunlit uplands”, “blue passports” and “up yours Delors”.

Guests will include Nigel Farage, where it is rumoured he will duet with the song “islands in the stream” Richard Tice for a wrestling match and Nadine Dorries for a weekly fantasy book club feature.