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New Saturday night screaming contest promises to draw BBC audience away

Boris Johnson has said he intends to use his influence at GB News along with his knowledge of the classics to convince the channel it could compete with the BBC on Saturday nights with something more exciting than the poor attempts at singing and ballroom dancing the nation has suffered from for decades.

'Boris' Bully XL Gladiator Contest will help level up the country' a spokesperson told Newsbiscuit. 'Boris says children from deprived areas in the north will be able to chance their luck in fights to the death with ferocious Bully XL dogs, armed only with the plastic spoons they had in their mouths when they were born and their challenge will be to use the navigational skills they learned when they realised the north side of their town faced east, and the east was facing south to outwit the dog, who will be equipped with a standard compass.

Jacob Rees-Mogg backed Mr Johnson’s idea, with a spokesbutler saying 'The thing that’s been holding the north back, is the lack of opportunity for children to demonstrate their heroic capabilities in the way brave Sir Jacob was able to. Providing GB News broadcasts this before Nanny puts him to bed, he will definitely be watching it and cheering on the northern brats.'

GB News say they will promote the show through an advert on the side of a bus.

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