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Dominic Cummings’ swearbox to become a bank

Some good news at last from the Covid Inquiry, when we learned that the swearbox next to Dominic Cummings’ desk has accumulated a whopping £257 billion, mostly in 50p pieces. Plans to float the swearbox as a High Street bank had to be abandoned when Michelle Mone appropriated the money ‘to help with nautical expenses’.

Cummings’ messages to colleagues were littered with technical terms such as ‘useless f*ckpigs’ and ‘Jaws mode w*nk’, generated by an A.I. Malcolm Tucker Emulator which the Cabinet Office is believed to have bought from Infosys for £27 trillion.

The Dominic Cummings spin-off of The Thick Of It, working title -Thick and Thicker – failed to get the greenlight for a second season due to adverse viewer response – a quarter of a million of them died, you can’t get much more adverse than that.

Cummings gave his testimony dressed as pantomime villain Jafar from Aladdin, a deceptive, manipulative and malicious advisor influencing a bumbling, ineffective monarch.

A committee member asked if he was still behind Boris Johnson, Prime Minister during the Pandemic. Cummings replied, 'He's behind me?' and comically turned around searching for the erstwhile Johnson. The same committee member, as if on cue, asked if Johnson was truly in control of day to day operations during the crisis. Cummings - inevitably - retorted 'Oh no, he f*&%ing wasn't!'.

H/T: @simonjjames

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