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As a General Election nears, huge political news reaches us that former Prime Minister Boris Johnson and ex-UKIP leader Nigel Farage are to merge. Whilst no further details have been put forward by either camp, it is clear that this is potentially huge news for the inexplicably popular duo. We asked political commentator and respect theorist Sir Peter Catterick-Brace what this could mean for Britain's political landscape.
'Well, I think this is huge news! The potential ramifications for the traditional parties could be very significant if they manage to arouse their base voters.' He went on, 'I mean, all those quite extreme right wing, immigrant and Euro hating middle aged white voters could come out in droves for this monstrous entity. I expect the first thing it would want to do is undo Brexit and then re-do it. Straight away. A sort of 'Let's get Brexit done again'. Socially this beast would mean a great deal to publicans and tobacconists as well as it being an almost endless supply of extremely fertile semen and occasionally eloquent waffle. Nadine Dorries will pass out when she hears the news.'
As we await further news, we speculate that the 'thing' will be called 'Borjel Johnrage', be approximately six feet nine and during the initial process very, very dangerous to anyone coming without twenty feet of it with anything less than questionable views on race, British culture and colonialism.
Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/ and your nightmares
Amongst the unbelievable stories coming out of the COVID enquiry, a new frontrunner has emerged.
A civil servant has revealed that Boris Johnson planned to miniaturise Captain Tom Moore and have the veteran injected into his arm live on television, with the aim he would complete 100 laps of the Prime Minister's bloodstream to raise money for the NHS.
'You have to remember,' the government official said in their testimony, 'this was the middle of lockdown. The camaraderie was beginning to evaporate, everyone was sick of banana bread, and clapping for the NHS wasn't capturing the nation like it had been. So the PM thought that 'Captain Tom's Fantastic Voyage' as he kept calling it would be a great way to bring the country together again.'
To stunned faces in the enquiry panel, they continued, 'There were plans for Davina McCall to host a special, which had to be shelved when Boris tried it on with her. Professor Chris Witty said it should be possible, providing Captain Tom didn't get caught in one of the cholesterol plaques on the PM's arteries. Captain Tom's daughter was all for it, telling her dad it would 'be good for his brand' to travel round someone's circulatory system. However, she lost interest when we told her we couldn't bring them to London First Class, or put them up at Chequers.'
When asked by the panel why anyone in Downing Street even gave the idea one second of thought, the civil servant replied, 'To be honest, I think it came up during Wine Friday. You can't trust most things from lockdown, the majority of us spent it thoroughly pissed.'
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