Downing Street hosepipes to be on all fuc*ing summer

With hosepipe bans in place and others on the way across the UK as the country experiences drought conditions. Those who don’t comply could face fines of up to £1,000.

In line with Downing Street’s adherence to other laws and regulations, water will be pumping out of Number 10’s hosepipes as long as a ban is in place.

'Yeah, fuck all that,' said Boris Johnson, who turned on seven hosepipes and three sprinkler systems at Number 10 before buggering off on holiday.

'All the Downing Street aides are thrilled because I’ve told them to have at it with the paddling pool. And the household staff are under strict instructions to water all the plants with a hose every single day – even the indoor ones.

“The Downing Street garden will be turned into a swamp while the rest of the country burns – if you’ve got a problem with that, call the fucking pigs!

“Oh, you don’t need to because they’re already posted on the front door. And guess what? They don’t give a shit.

'If you think I’ve behaved inappropriately then get Sue Gray to conduct an investigation. I’ll be long gone by the time she’s finished and I’ll just be able to claim that Liz Truss flooded the premises while trying to make ice cubes. Admit it - that’s totally believable.'

Former Chancellor Rishi Sunak said, “This is exactly the sort of unethical behaviour that forced me to resign. Still, we don’t have to worry about all that now.”

With that, he reached for a hosepipe and added some water to his whiskey.

story: chrisballard

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/bstad-3630924/

Boris claiming credit for the vaccine rollout a bit like Debbie McGee taking credit for Harry Potter

Having failed to accomplish anything worthwhile during his three years on stage, Still Prime Minister The Great Bozondo has resorted to making wild claims about things he definitely didn't do. Say yes, Paul Dacre.

The most amazing feat of daring attempted before our very eyes is a claim so wild it is livid. You're going to like this... not a lot. The claim is that he 'got the big things right'. Following a national strategy of herd immunity and several panicked lockdowns so late Than-Neverland popped into existence with a puff of glitter, the only BIG thing he was responsible for during the pandemic was the number of people who vanished and weren't brought back.

The Great Bozondo was too incompetent to understand or be allowed anywhere near the climax of the actual vaccine rollout. Although, in fairness, he nearly pulled off the tricky routine of wiping down a chair. Dedicated and diligent non-governmental wizards without fists of ham astonished us all with the vaccine miracle. What did Boris and his 'big things right' government sleight of handers do? They strained most of their sinews self-opportunistically and fast-tracked their tragic circle of chums to multi-million-pound Personal Protection Equipment contracts, which failed to appear.

Now that's magic money trees.

And if the other big thing he got right was such a great success, why is there a need to get Brexit re-done? Maybe he should take another run at Heathrow runway 2¾?

image from pixabay

Boris Johnson destroys Peppa Pig World from Typhoon fighter jet

In a covert mission carried out under the dead of right-wing press fawning, Still Prime Minister Boris Johnson has personally napalmed Peppa Pig World at Paultons Park.

The official line from the Ministry of Defending the Indefensible is that there was a clear and present threat to the UK from woke snowflake cartoon characters. However, people not as high on the nutter scale have pointed to an act of retribution for Peppa Pig not signing a trade deal with the UK government, coupled with a building vengeance from the Prime Minister for not being allowed back on any of the rides.

The mission has been declared a complete success as collateral damage from the precision targeted strike destroyed all of the New Forest and most of Hampshire, leaving Peppa Pig World completely unharmed.

image from pixabay