When cupboard love no longer works

Man in epic party 'believed he was prime minister'

A man who has been partying for a record-breaking span of over 2 years has finally been persuaded to stop after becoming 'completely delusional', according to a source close to the unnamable man. One attendee told us, 'It was a completely debauched scene. I mean, I've caned it a bit in my time, but even I wouldn't have gone on for that long. I mean he actually thought he was Prime Minister at the end, and - get this - a Conservative one! Can you believe that?"

Another said: 'It wasn't even a realistic Conservative PM, I mean he was even ranting about deporting immigrants by the end! Once, he stood up and said, ominously, "someone's a paedophile" and sat down again. I expect he'll laugh about it all when he comes down.'

Others remember more disturbing behaviour, including "challenging Covid to a due"'. One guest described a "nightmarish scene, saying: 'I finally had to leave a few months ago when I swear I saw Slender Man. He was chanting 'Alleluia'. That was too much for me. I shudder to think what went on there after that.'

Story by: medusatouch

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/thedigitalartist-202249/

Boris demonstrates how to make a government entirely from leftovers

Embracing the 'womble' tag that has often been used to describe his appearance, UK Prime-Minister-for-now Boris Johnson has assembled anv entire government from the politicians that "ordinary folks left behind".

Last seen rummaging in a Westminster skip looking for an Education Secretary, Johnson promised to cut political waste with his Real Junk Minister project.

Representatives of the UK's food waste charities have sought to distance themselves from the PM's initiative, saying: " We take food that supermarkets would throw away to make tasty and healthy meals that area affordable for all. Whereas this bunch of chancers just makes the public sick."

However, today's No. 10 spokesperson reassured reporters that these ministers were not for human consumption, but were simply destined to be Big Dog food.