Rishi: we've negotiated a better deal with the Atmosphere

"People of Britain. A few disgruntled voices lately have questioned our commitment to the environment. Sometimes they say we're apathetic because we’re totally in thrall to the fossil fuel companies. This is misleading media twaddle – the fact is, we’re in thrall to lots of major industries.”

“No, the main reason why Britain can still order more oil exploration and build coal mines and more airports and roads and drop onshore wind and the Climate and Nature funding pledge [do we really need to say all these, Amber] is because we’ve negotiated a better deal with the Atmosphere. This is an example of one of the benefits of Brexit. Nicknamed “Project Atmos”, because we’ve taken out the “Fear”, it’s been a difficult but ultimately rewarding operation, undertaken by our SoS for the Environment, Therese Coffey.

“The trip to the Land of Clouds was long and dangerous, and definitely required the use of an RAF plane. The challenge was - how can you negotiate with a grey, featureless, impassive blob? Well, the Atmosphere couldn’t either so, we’ve come away with the guarantee that Britain will have longer (certainly longer than the EU) to prepare for the coming meteorological apocalypse.

“Other parts of the world, especially the EU, will experience catastrophic floods and drought and food shortages, while Britain has an agreement that means stable climate in our time.”

image from pixabay

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Fish finger pie voted most popular post-Brexit recipe

In a change from enticing viewers to attempt cooking exotic recipes from abroad, the BBC asked viewers to name the ingredients they can actually buy these days and challenged celebrity chefs to devise recipes for exciting meals which could be made from them.

Of the 3,000 suggestions received by the BBC, 2,000 suggested fish fingers.

Jamie Oliver came up with deep fried fish finger and jam sandwiches, Risk Stein chose to make his own fish fingers from turbot and razor clams, and Gordon Ramsey had a simple fish finger curry dish. Nigella Lawson’s fishy fingers pie, however, came out on top. Nigella massaged each fish finger between her breasts before slapping donkey cheese pule mash on top, and slipping it in somewhere hot.

Critics of the programme have said how out of touch the BBC is, since few people can afford pule. But the BBC responded by pointing out that viewers should consider themselves lucky they didn’t invite Heston to contribute.

Apple Vision Pro will visualize a Brexit that worked

Apple engineers explained: ‘We were told to create an augmented reality, so we made a hybrid between the beer googles of Nigel Farage and the rose-tinted monocle of Jacob Rees Mogg. The image quality is poor, but if you squint you can just about see the sunlit uplands.’ Some have accused the company of creating a dystopian sci-fi fantasy, but others said that was already done with the £350m logo on the side of a bus.

Users will be presented with a virtual UK, dynamic and successful – while their actual bodies will continue to experience malnutrition and regret. At a mere £2500 the new headset is expensive but is £30bn cheaper than the actual Brexit.

Said one satisfied customer: ‘When I had the Vision Pro on everything seemed better. Ironically I hadn’t switched it on, but sitting in darkness seemed preferable to Britain in 2023.’

Image: Jessica Lewis (@jessicalewiscreative) | Unsplash Photo Community