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The UK’s largest and most ambitious arts festival, Unhinged, has been hailed as a masterful piece of performance art by critics worldwide.
“At first we thought it was a shabby disgrace”, said a French critic. “For £120 million you could ‘ave built a new ‘ospital. But zat was a clue!”
Another clue was the visitor projections of 66 million visitors – or the entire UK population. It can now be revealed that Unhinged is the work of alternative theatre group collective 'The 1922 Committee' and that His Majesty’s Government has been run, for the past few years, by a troupe of performance artists.
“Most of them met at university, like the Monty Python crew”, a spokesman told us. “They’ve been acting out this dystopian vision of a dysfunctional family. It’s loosely based on Ibsen, but heavily influenced by the Carry On films and the Third Reich".
In common with all works of performance art the audience is desperate for the fucking thing to end.
Image: Humusak | Pixabay
According to reports from Downing Street, a leaving party held for outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson became a monumental p*ss-up, where alcohol flowed by the suitcaseful. An inebriated Boris was seen climbing onto a table, wearing a wastepaper bin on his head at a rakish angle, and holding a champagne bottle like a microphone he sang his own version of the Sinatra classic, ‘My Way’:
“And now, the end is near
And so I face the final curtain.
I’ve been a great PM,
The very best, of that I’m certain.
What fun! I’ve had a ball,
Not even lockdown could spoil my day,
I partied through it all,
Cos that is my way.
“Affairs, I’ve had a few,
And more kids than I can mention.
I told a lot of lies,
I was the master of invention.
I helped out all my mates,
I sent massive contracts their way.
And donations of cash
Came rolling my way.
“I know I hid inside a fridge,
But Cameron – he f*cked a pig!
Theresa May was kinda sad,
But now, she doesn’t seem so bad.
Though I made gaffes,
I had some laughs,
Cos that is my way.
“I steered the Brexit bus, painted with lies,
My hand was steady.
Yes, I got Brexit done,
The EU deal was oven ready.
And now the UK’s screwed -
Every which way, and sideways.
What else could you expect
When I did it my way?
“When Covid came along,
I wouldn’t heed the scientists’ warning,
I killed everyone’s Nan,
So many families in mourning.
I said, “Pile the bodies high”,
Like a c*nt, and not in a wry way.
Those plebs, I’d kill ‘em all
If I had my way.
“Each time a crisis came my way,
I buggered off on holiday.
Children are hungry, and they’re cold,
Well, f*ck ‘em all - and f*ck the old!
Let them eat cake,
Them’s the breaks.
No one stands in my way.
“I’ll thrive - my bank balance is big,
And I’ve got shares in Peppa Pig.
So, now I’ll leave without a fuss.
Good luck with Liz ‘One Brain Cell’ Truss!
Once, Britain boomed,
But now it’s doomed
Cos I did it MYYYY WAAAAAYY!"
After he’d finished singing, it is reported that Mr Johnson tried to take a bow, overbalanced, and fell off the table. He then shambled off into the garden, where he was sick in a thicket.
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