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New statute celebrating Brexit to be commissioned


Jacob Rees-Mogg todays announces that to celebrate the successes the UK is experiencing due to Brexit a new statue is to be commissioned.


Plans are underway to get the UKs leading artists to put together their proposals - provisionally the work will be entitled “We have fun, but we get things (Brexit) done” - and is to feature a smiling Boris Johnson raising a drink to the nation'.


'It'll be very similar to some of the images we have recently seen in Sue Gray’s fictional historical romp', continued Rees Mogg.


The statue will include a hat made entirely of bank notes, to symbolis the £350 million a week savings that the British people are able to enjoy as a result of Brexit. In addition there will be a 'Brexit flap' in the rear of his trousers so that his bare backside can be displayed at Europe on the hour, every hour, like a mooning cuckoo clock.


First published 19 June 2022



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‘Monkeypox a Brexit dividend’ insists Rees-Mogg



Brexit minister Jacob Rees-Mogg has welcomed the outbreak of monkeypox here in the UK saying it is clearly a Brexit dividend and should be seen as a triumph and not something to be concerned about.


‘The joy of having monkeypox is that you need to isolate for up to 21 days….which means the chances of contracting Covid are massively reduced. It's a win-win situation for all Brexit loving Brits. The spread of monkeypox would not have happened had we still been in the EU and we would not have been able to benefit from it as we are today’ said the Somerset MP. 'It also means there is another huge demand for expensive PPE….and we all know what that means.'


'The risk of infection is not great at the moment but with the NHS struggling to meet demand for even the most routine of appointments it is sure to explode soon', continued Rees-Mogg. 'Infections are highest amongst sexually active people like sex workers, drug users, promiscuous sex addicts, multiple sex partners, swingers and Tory MPs….so most of you will be fine for now.'


'But that is about to change. As Minister for Brexit Opportunities I can see the potential for massive potenital for anybody with the right connections', continued Rees-Mogg. 'Anybody needing PPE should contact one of our providers…..like one of the off-shore companies I manage or trade shares in.'


'Would you like my cousins phone number....tell him Jake sent you'.


First published 24 May 2022



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New series of The Repair Shop to not include broken artefacts



As viewers brace themselves for the new series of the popular BBC programme 'The Repair Shop', complete with mugs of tea, Hob-Nobs and a new pack of Kleenex the BBC is warning them that series 12 is going to have a new look and feel. 'We've spent the last eleven series repairing broken artefacts, using heritage skills and painstaking close up shots of complex, filthy objects being methodically cleaned using an earbud dipped in spit, before dropping the same items in a tub of paraffin when off-camera,' said a BBC spokesman today, adding that the broken artefact was supported by a tear-jerking backstory.


'We think we've effectively repaired all the worthwhile tat,' continued the spokesman, 'and this season we've decided to just ignore it. In the first episode we were planning to renovate a 1990s stapler used by someone's granny before she got Alzheimer's, a broken coat hook from a farmhouse kitchen that was remodelled four years ago and is the the only original part that Wren Kitchens left when they danced out of the new, thoroughly modern kitchen and a broken mug with "best dad in the world" on it. We thought "fuck it", the viewers only want to hear the back-story anyway so we've sacked Jay, Steve, Kirsten and the rest, bought a new stapler from W H Smith, a new mug off eBay and thrown the coat hook in the bin.


'In the second episode we're looking at a broken Britain so we've burned the Brexit Withdrawal legislation, re-established all the EU laws and called a General Election. Well, we did say we were getting rid of all the tat,' he said.


Author: NBP


First published 24 March 2023





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