UK government finally delivers on Covid Delta PLUS

After failing to deliver on promises of Norway plus or Canada plus for Britain, the UK government has finally come good on Covid Delta Plus. A government spokesfiend licked its talons and hissed, 'People should be a bit more damned respectful. We always promised we would deliver the best possible outcome for Britain, and here it finally is. No, no... I just seem to... er... have something in my eye.' 'We have strained every sinew to stop bothering with any sort of restrictions and worked tirelessly to misinform people so that they give up on wearing masks and get back into schools and offices. Without the help of millions of heroic Brits who flung off their restrictive, freedom-killing, virtue-signalling masks, we just couldn't have guided everyone to these sunlit uplands. 'AY.4.2 is, however, too boring, so we're definitely not following the science on this one and instead we're calling it The Great British Covid Delta Variant Plus. It's the proper, glorious ubervariant Britain deserves, and you just know it's going to be world-beating.'

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Surplus UK vaccine to be loaded into super soakers

Although the majority of the third world is being devastated by the Covid pandemic, the UK government has decided that the people of Britain would rather we kept the shitload we over ordered for ourselves. Even the dodgy one that doesn't work as well.

Some spokestwat for the government explained, 'As poor foreign people die unnecessary agonising deaths across the globe, Boris and his chums felt that the only right and decent course of action was to not let them have one drop of vaccine.

'Our finger right on the pulse of absolutely the entire peoplethings of Britain told us that what you all want is for the UK to stick two fingers up to everyone else and rub it in their faces.

'Given that unshakeable truth, all of the excess vaccine we have will be poured into super soakers and we're going to have a Great British end of summer epic water pistol battle down the park.'

Britain Withdraws From Isle of Wight

Driven out by the Telly Ban, geriatric fundamentalists who 'Don't hold with them funny modern things like leccertricity and other sinister witchcraft', British armed forces were defeated after suffering many years catastrophic losses as servicemen were, for the most part, hideously bored to death.

Just months after the last occupying forces were slowly ferried ashore to the mainland, the Telly Ban swept - well, slowly ambled and shuffled - into power, and before long were filling post office queues (both of them) across the length and breadth of the island.

'We knew they wouldn't last' said one resident. 'They only been here since - when was it Mrs Taylor lost her cat? - can only be a few hundred years ago. Bringing complicated things like clocks, mysterious magic things like wireless sets and dangerous machines like bicycles. And their fancy ways, like educating girls, and boys, and even teaching them to read and write. We'll soon put a stop to all that nonsense.'

Hat-tip ArthurPyke

photo: obsidianphotography @ Pixabay