Fears that fracking could cause the British Isles to crack and sink without trace have been dismissed by His Majesty's custodian of the 19th century, Jacob Rees-Mogg.
After winding up his steam-powered pocket watch, the Rt Hon member for the Eton tuck shop made a statement to the House of Commons. That statement has since been translated from the dulcet tones of Anglo-Saxon it was uttered in:
‘The nearest drilling hole to Mogg castle is some 530 miles away. The only physical manifestation of the 8.9 magnitude earthquake it caused three years ago was a bone china cup plummeting to the floor of the pantry and scaring the wits out of one of the scullery maids. It can be concluded, therefore, that the scientific evidence proves beyond all doubt that drilling holes under all British homes and pumping huge quantities of pressurised liquid along them at unimaginable velocities is perfectly safe.’
To no cheers whatsoever, even from his own side, Mr Rees-Mogg conceded that he wore an earthquake resistant steel-lined top hat at all times, just in case.
As tension continues to build and Russian troops mass on the Ukrainian border, Boris Johnson has said the UK must “learn to live with World War Three”.
“It is a moment of pride that we can announce this plan,” Boris said. “Under this government, deaths from World Wars have been at their lowest level for 70 years. This means we are able to say that if World War Three breaks out, then just get on with your ordinary life.”
The new plan involves the prime minister repositioning himself as a global statesman, but ordinary people will have to dodge any bombs when they start to drop. Working from home is likely to be scrapped for British troops too.
“We simply can’t keep up all this diplomatic work forever,” the prime minister said. “The British public doesn’t want restrictions like blackouts, carrying gas masks, air raid warnings or building air-raid shelters to be reintroduced.
“So, let’s get on with life as normal and forget about any police investigations or donations from wealthy Russians.”