Besieged Ukrainian Townspeople to Hold Vigil For Bruce Willis

The people of the war-torn town of Mariupol in eastern Ukraine are preparing to hold a candlelit vigil this evening as a mark of respect for stricken Hollywood star, Bruce Willis, who has been forced into retirement due to a brain condition.

One woman who has been trapped in a basement for thirty-six days with her small child after Russian shelling reduced her home to rubble, emerged to tell a BBC reporter: 'It's been a tough time for all of us, to be honest, but we couldn't just cower amongst the debris of our former homes while Bruce Willis is reduced to wandering around his palatial Beverly Hills residence not knowing if he wants a shit or a haircut.

'The whole town will be turning out tonight as a mark of our respect, curfew or no curfew.

'If we get killed then so be it. At least we'll have given our lives in a worthy cause.

'Many of my friends and neighbours in the basement are distraught about this one and if it wasn't for the fact that Meatloaf and the drummer out of the Foo Fighters are still hale and hearty I could see many of them going over the edge.'

Bruce Willis appeared in a number of highly successful movies, many of which featured the star clinging to the fuselage of various aircraft in an oil-stained vest wearing a sardonic grin. A spokesman for Mr Willis said 'Yippee-kay-ay'.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/masbebet-5633372/

'Merry Christmas' to be replaced with 'Yippee-ki-yay, motherf*cker'

In line with WTO rules, seasonal greetings like 'Seasonal Greetings' will be replaced with more common Yuletide language appropriate for the contemporary era. All mentions of 'Merry Christmas' must be overwritten with 'Yippee-ki-yay, motherf*cker', as this is now the more acceptable form of Yule wish.

'The classical masterpiece work 'Die Hard' is the global benchmark for all things Christmas,' explained festive season etiquette expert Joseph Takagi, father of five. 'Knobbing a work colleague on a fur rug in front of a log fire with a mulled wine and an aged Brie is only for cowardly members of the community who are of poor character. The more heroic way of proceeding is to write, 'Ho-Ho-Ho, now I have a machine gun' on a dead German, and send him to the 30th floor of a tall building as a surprise gift. Lashing an entire bag of C4 explosives to a computer monitor on an office chair and propelling it down a lift shaft is also acceptable.'

'If hosting your own celebration, the custom now is to greet approaching guests by shouting, 'Welcome to the party, pal' through a smashed window while wearing a sweaty vest.

'For the more discerning attendee, however, one should seek tailored Christmas costumes from John Phillips, London - it's where Arafat got his.

'To entertain young children, classic seasonal verse should be quoted to them. My personal favourite is, 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, except for the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two formation.'

'Take any opportunity to work in the line, 'When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer,' as this demonstrates the benefits of a classical education.

'And, of course, Don't forget to call your closest friend, and wish him well for the festive season by groaning the words, 'Actually, I'm feeling pretty damn unappreciated, Al.'

'If you find yourself fortunate enough to be abroad for the holidays, why not show gratitude towards your hosts by yelling, 'Schiess dem fenster'. Twice. A lovely gesture which translates as 'shit on the windows'.

'And any encounter of the written phrase 'Merry XXmas' must receive the immediate response of a shrug of the shoulders and the words, 'I don't know, something about a double-cross?'

MAKE FISTS WITH YOUR TOES.

image from pixabay

Get more NewsBiscuit humour on Amazon

Something Similar	eBook, paperback or hardback	Something Different
Ironically early Christmas adverts just as annoying as the real thing	Available now	UK tourist spots ruined by celebrities on free TV travelogue junkets