Badenoch Appoints ChatGPT to Shadow Cabinet

In a shake-up to the opposition front bench, Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch has made the decision to appoint an AI system to the position of Shadow Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster.

Lord GPT, as it will have to be known to avoid running afoul of Parliamentary procedure, will respond to Government decisions more efficiently and quickly than its predecessor. Within seconds, it will analyse any released reports, archives of Hansard, and statements to the media, then provide a press release saying the decision by Keir Starmer's team is wrong and that the Conservative Party wholly condemn it.

'Once again, it's the Conservative Party that is at the forefront of innovation,' said Shadow Science and Technology Secretary Alan Mak. 'This Labour Government is happy to send us back to the 1970's and its union-controlled politics, while we are looking to the future and unleashing the power of AI to reduce mistakes and increase efficiency. Currently our only challenge is how to make a cloud-based entity align with our desire to get civil servants back into the office, as giving a desk to a non-corporeal essence may seem odd. However, as an interim measure, we have placed a mannequin in an office chair, allowing meetings and discussions to take place, even if they're with a lifeless facsimile of a person and meaning it feels like you're talking to a potato. It's remarkably similar to when Mark Francois was in the Shadow Cabinet.'

Reform Party leader Nigel Farage was devoutly against the appointment when asked yesterday by the BBC at their daily breakfast meeting, remarking, 'It's yet another key job going to a non-British person or manifestation. I'm also personally infuriated, as I've been using ChatGPT for all our policy decisions in the last six months and it means they're now shared with the Tories thanks to the terms and conditions of use. Plus, given its connections to Russia and China, it'll be giving them access to all our secret briefings, and that's my job!'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Out soon ... if only!

POTUS refutes claims that his appointees are Diversity Hires

After Donald Trump blamed the Washington air crash on diversity hires by Air Traffic Control, he has denied that any of his recent appointees fall into this category.  He reportedly said that ‘almost none of them have severe intellectual or psychiatric disabilities.’  He refutes claims that he appointed anyone to meet targets for fundraising, or letting him win at golf.  He insists that all of his staff are appointed solely on merit.

The President is reported to have said, ‘My Efficiency Bro, Elon Musk, is a regular white, male guy.  He’s really rich, so he’s definitely not in an excluded or disadvantaged group.  His social media app is open to all, however prejudiced, without fear or favour … although, actually, fear is favoured.   He will be great at cutting government oversight and regulations, but he obviously/probably won’t do anything to advantage Tesla, SpaceX, TwitteX or Bitcoin.  All of those regulations will be cut by someone else.

‘My Defence Secretary, Pete Hegseth, has plenty of government experience as a regular white, male guy.   He nearly got elected to the Minnesota senate in 2012 – so close, so close – and he learnt a lot from that. He doesn’t want women in combat roles – that’s just chivalry, not wokery.  And he thinks men are more capable – that’s just a fact.  The allegations of sexual assault, drinking and financial mismanagement are all fake news.  People in disadvantaged minorities don’t get to co-host weekend shows on Fox TV, so that proves he’s not a diversity hire.

‘My Health Secretary, RFK, has a gravelly voice.  That doesn’t make him queer, or Hispanic, or intellectually retarded.  He used to say my supporters were idiots, and this proves his commitment to free speech for all Americans.  He is prepared to ignore the small minority who believe in vaccines, and he respects the right of citizens to travel to undeveloped countries, if they want to, and to bravely die of un-American diseases like Yellow Fever.   He’s just a regular white, male guy who is going to do a great job.

In conclusion, Mr Trump allegedly said that he didn’t need rules and regulations to appoint a diverse and capable group of white men to work with him.

He emphasised that he had no problem in appointing Mexicans, if they paid for the wall. And no problem appointing Canadians, once they were part of the USA.  And no problem in appointing women, if they could make good coffee and sign an NDA.