Writing on the wall as sales of Trump 2026 kitchen calendar stall bigly

Reports emerging today suggest sales of the President Donald J  Trump 2026 Calendar are 'sluggish', seemingly, with many dyed-in-the-wool MAGA cult members unwilling to make a date with it.

Cletus Abernathy from Bona Venture Arkansas, who describes himself as a part-time, moronic and clueless village idiot, is one such devotee unwilling to part with the cool $2500 asking price.

Speaking to Fox News he said: 'Mary Lou, my good lady, done told me she wanted a copy but I refused to buy it. As a god-fearing devout Christian I could not allow her to look upon an uncensored image of the president, as depicted in July. On account of him being stripped to the waist and mudwrestling JD Vance, while Pete Hegseth, in Speedos, looks on and 25 scantily clad cheerleaders shake their pom-poms.

'I mean, you can actually see Mr Trump's fully exposed right butt cheek, and the prospect of that amorphous blob of shapeless corpulent flab hanging over me for thirty-one days, as I'm tryin' to chow down my squirrel pie, turkey gizzards and grits, did not appeal. No siree.

'So I told Mary Lou. Now see here, honey, if you want to look at something as old and petrified as Trump's ass then I'll just send off to England and get cousin Zeke to mail us the Cliff Richard one like he does every year.'

image from grok

A bargain for only 500 guineas

Labour unexpectedly releases risqué 2024 Starmer calendar

In what is seen as Labour’s potential first misstep, Sir Keir Starmer has released a 2024 calendar with a series of risqué and provocative poses. The move, as Labour HQ has announced, is to capture the “thirsty” vote.

'For too long has there been a distinct lack of sexiness in Downing Street,' said Mr Starmer at a press conference dressed in a leather trousers, jacket, cowboy boots and no shirt. 'Cameron, May, Johnson, Truss, Sunak hold nothing to my…..majority.' He thrust his crotch suggestively to the photographers nearby.

The calendar shows a bold new direction with images such as January showing Mr Starmer riding a horse seemingly naked and March portraying him in a Doctor’s white coat pulled up to reveal his bare bottom. The latter is thought to be his tribute to the NHS. June sees him lying sideways across a judge's desk in a courtroom with a gavel in a suggestive place.

Labour say that the calendars are flying off the shelves. Feedback is coming back that some people are very much looking forward to December 2024 not only for the potential general election but also for Mr Starmer’s appearance as a naked Santa Claus with only a present sack to cover his dignity.