Chancellor sticks knife into 99% of population again because, well, it's just muscle memory reflex

During Wednesday's budget statement Rishi Sunak promised the nation that he had done absolutely everything to ensure absolutely everyone continues to be as fabulously wealthy as him.

In what is being called a masterstroke of fiscal policy which only the Conservative party has the economic understanding to conjure up, the Chancellor of the Exchequer pushed the event horizon boundaries of generosity. Regardless of economic status, every person in the UK is to receive a limp gherkin and two mouldy pickled onions.

Despite wide support and raucous cheers which sounded exactly like guffawing from the Tory back benches, the Institute for Fiscal Responsibility Yet Wholly Inappropriate Facial Expressions murmured something yawn. 'The Chancellor's new budgetary innovations won't be made available for two years, and beyond that each gherkin will be excruciatingly shat out over a period of twenty fiscal quarters.'

On a perkier note, the Office of Budget Actually Even More Crappy Than it Seems said that it quite liked the name Pishi Rishi had come up with for his economy revival plans. 'Most people won't bother considering the appalling numbers and just coo over it being called Eat Out at Food Banks to Help Out.'

Image: Pixabay: stevepb

'Rejoice, the era of gruel is over' announces workhouse treasurer

Britain's huddled masses of urchins, scullions and paupers are today rejoicing at the news that their years of a diet of gruel are over, thanks to the goodwill of their government. 'Kind Old Phil' Hammond, Workhouse of Commons treasurer, has been saving up copper coins all this time, and is now able to lay on a much improved regime of crumbs purchased from the tables of some of his colleagues in the Workhouse of Lords.

Nevertheless, some professional ne'er-do-wells are still discontented, demanding a richer diet and even saying that living on gruel hadn't been necessary. 'Nonsense, nonsense' remarked Kind Old Phil, 'you see, financiers used to dine on three banquets a day and that led to the financial crash ten years ago. Naturally we had to keep them on this diet to avoid a shock to their systems - and that didn't come cheap! But it would not do for the general populace; they would suffer indigestion.'

In response, a Mr A. Dodger of London remarked that it wasn't rich food but double standards that made him sick, and Phil had better watch out if he didn't want a large saveloy inserted 'where the sun don't shine'.

Image: Pixabay/Mediamodifier

‘Tears of hungry children will help fill my swimming pool’ Chancellor promises parents

Chancellor Rishi Sunak has assured worried parents of hungry children that their bedtime tears will not be shed in vain. A Treasury spokesman explained: ‘When children go to bed hungry it inevitably ends in tears, what child wouldn’t cry if it hadn’t eaten a proper meal for over 24 hours. But what better way could there be than to put those hunger tears to good use, then topping up the Chancellor's pool?

'And with the proposed £20 cut in benefits we will undoubtedly see even more tears in future. We've also asset stripped the companies their parents used to work for, so it’s a huge saving for the tax-payer, and Mr. Sunak's water bill.

'So, if parents will simply gather their children’s tears in a bottle and send to RISHI'S POOL, Kirby Sigston Manor, Northallerton, second class post will be adequate. First class post would be 85p and that’s probably all you have to spend each day on food for the kiddies, we might be many things but we're not monsters.

'I know lots of parents will be shedding tears too, but please, can you keep it to just your children's tears, apparently the fatty oils contained in a child's teardrop are good for your skin'.