Liz Truss wins worst memoir of the year, pipping Fifty Shades of Grayling

The worst 'look at me and what I did' book of the year awards have been held in the burnt out shell which was once your nearest hospital. Here are the unreadable straight-to-pulp car crashes government ministers shat out instead of attempting to run a country.

Liz Truss - The Tip of The Iceberg Lettuces

Chris Whatsmename - Fifty Shades of Grayling

Rishi Sunak - The Big Short Trousers (featuring Rishi Longstockings)

David Cameron - First Past the Hogroast

Boris Johnson - Identitty

Michael Gove - Lord Nose (A Snort Story)

Jeremy H Unt - The English Patients Still Waiting (reprinted by the Foodbank of England)

Suella Braverman - A Wish Called Rwanda

Priti Patel - Catch 22 (Asylum Seekers)

Theresa May - Wheatfield of Dreams

Grant Shapps - Me, Myself and Corinne Stockheath (ghost written by Sebastian Fox, forward by Michael Green)

Jacob Rees-Mogg - Stranger Offshores (Eton, Pray, Gov)

Nadine Dorries - Murder in the Deviant Express

Nadim Zahawi - Yougov in the Time of Cholera (HMRC £3 million tax evasion prosecution still pending)

Kwasi Kwarteng - The Day of the Jack All

Penny Mordaunt - The Thatcher in the Eye

Dominic Raab - The Romanians of the Daaaaaay

Thérèse Coffey - War and Piss

Matt Hancock - The Wrong Kiss Goodnight

Image: analogicus - Pixabay

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Number of Tory factions now exceeds number of MPs

Statisticians from Cambridge University have taken a great interest in Liz Truss's announcement of a new Tory splinter group which immediately splintered after being announced.

'That makes 350 factions now', said Brian Nerdygeek, 'What I find fascinating is that there are only 349 Tory MPs so either there's something very clever going on with trans-dimensional, imaginary numbers or an MP has done something rather silly and joined two different factions at the same time.'

At this point, Chris Grayling could be seen to slap his forehead.

Image: Elchinator - Pixabay

Tories accuse Labour of stealing its "destroy the country" policy

Senior Conservatives have accused Labour of taking it's "destroy the country" policy and claiming it as their own.

Sir Gavin Williamson led the charge. 'Destroying the country is our brand, it's what we do. So it's a bit rich for Labour to announce they're also going to have a go. Personally, I have worked very hard cocking up defence and education and you won't believe what I had to try and unsee in exchange for my knighthood. When I close my eyes, I can still see it. I don't think anyone from Labour would go that far.'

Chris Grayling was due to speak but due to an "incident" with a revolving door, didn't arrive at the press briefing.

Sir Gavin went on to propose replacing lorries with pogo sticks.