Tories accuse Labour of stealing its "destroy the country" policy

Senior Conservatives have accused Labour of taking it's "destroy the country" policy and claiming it as their own.

Sir Gavin Williamson led the charge. 'Destroying the country is our brand, it's what we do. So it's a bit rich for Labour to announce they're also going to have a go. Personally, I have worked very hard cocking up defence and education and you won't believe what I had to try and unsee in exchange for my knighthood. When I close my eyes, I can still see it. I don't think anyone from Labour would go that far.'

Chris Grayling was due to speak but due to an "incident" with a revolving door, didn't arrive at the press briefing.

Sir Gavin went on to propose replacing lorries with pogo sticks.

People smugglers to charter P&O ferry

It has come to light that a gang of people smugglers have an audacious plan to up their game.

"This is a win-win," said a burly man, festooned with bling and sporting a Breitling watch.

"No more unseaworthy dinghies for the 'customers'. A relatively safe crossing ... assuming the crew are capable.

We get to shift 'cargo' in bulk, and P&O generate some income".

This will require a master of logistics to run the operation. Who do they have in mind?

"We understand that there's an English chap called Chris Grayling?"

Ferry Kiel Germany Car - Free photo on Pixabay

Chancellor makes all taxes optional

In a surprise announcement Chancellor Rishi Sunak has said that as of Monday, all taxes will be optional.

"This expands our existing policies", explained Mr Sunak. "Up until now, optional taxes were available to the Royal family, my wife and other very rich people but now, people will be able to choose whether or not to pay taxes."

The new policy has experienced some teething problems; with long queues at shops as customers debate whether they have to pay VAT.

Chris Grayling has been seen arguing at a book shop that he shouldn't pay the 0% tax on his purchases and demanding a refund.

Lord Lebedev added, "Я люблю брать деньги у британских идиотов."

Credit Squeeze Taxation Purse - Free photo on Pixabay